Residential staff to start charging for hugs to offset new costs of pay raise

Humor by

After a year-long campaign for pay equity, Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole announced that they will, of course, “just throw more money at the problem.”

The movement to call Stanford out for being social justice posers began last fall with a campaign that garnered hundreds of signatures. Veteran Peer Health Educators, Residential Computer Companions and Ethnic Theme Associates at the time reported to The Daily “[As ETAs/RCCs/PHEs] … sometimes we have to work with other staff members … sometimes we have to do things outside of our exact job description, host events or whatever. Sometimes we have to … you know … talk to other students.” 

“At first we thought the issue was that different staff roles had similar jobs but were paid differently,” Brubaker-Cole said. “So we figured, why [should we] pay [RAs] $12K per year when we have other students already doing the same amount of work for a quarter of that salary? But we know better now and it turns out the simple solution was always just to give more people more money. We’re even considering a Universal Student Stipend.”

To offset the $2.7 million cost of pay increases, ResX made the following statement:

“No free hugs from residential staff anymore. Twenty-five cents. Fifty cents if you’re from a different dorm. There’ll be t-shirts too. Twenty-five-cent hugs, they’ll say. Maybe with a teddy bear on them. We’re committed to making it convenient though, through a Hugshare program. Just download the app, set up your profile and you’re on your way. Cardinal dollars can be used, of course, but we haven’t decided on Meal Plan dollars. We’re a little concerned that Thursday late nights at Arrillaga will turn into an underground hug orgy.”

“Really, [residential staff] should be paying us.” Brubaker-Cole concluded. “It’s free publicity and a guaranteed social circle. We’re basically paying them to host parties and be friends with people. Plus they get a single room. I mean, come on.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Nestor was born in Bangladesh and raised mostly in Greece. When he was nineteen he moved to the United States to join the Navy, where he served for ten years. He is now a junior at Stanford University, where he is rumored to be the only person in the math department with cut-off t-shirt sleeves. He also dabbles in creative writing.