The University has new plans for this year’s Full Moon on the Quad (FMOTQ). To reduce the likelihood of sexual misconduct or an outbreak of kissing-related illnesses, the student planning committee has banned any kind of mouth-to-mouth contact at FMOTQ, instead recommending participants hold steady, sexually charged eye contact from a safe distance.

This decision comes after numerous students complained, finding last year’s event over-sexualized and unaccommodating, promoting unhealthy drinking and sexual practices. We spoke with one such student, Jerrod Rakim, on the changes.

“Oh, this is not what we wanted. Nobody wanted this,” Rakim said. “This is somehow more sexual than before.”

“Originally we planned to separate students by gender, but we wanted those of all genders and sexual orientations to be able to not participate equally,” said Hannah Glirp, a student planner working the event. “So we decided not a single student will be allowed within three feet of another. You can still show up naked, though, if that helps.”

Student volunteers will be at each entrance to the quad, checking for student IDs which are required for entry, and handing out glow-necklaces that indicate each student’s desired level of participation. There are red glow sticks, for staring wistfully as though you know your love wasn’t meant to be, green for brief flirtatious glances, and purple for quivery, slow-dance-at-the-summer-camp-formal stares. Inside sources also believe blue glow sticks will also be handed out, to indicate they’re open to LinkedIn connections. Consent is always required, of course.

“Well, we can’t ban sex,” commented Vance Kaminski, associate director of the Office of Alcohol Policy & Education. “But we can make it as difficult as possible.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.