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Mary exhausted as Jesus is born for the 2,023rd time

Satire by

In a truly unexpected turn of events, the Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus Christ on Christmas for the 2,023rd year in a row, causing some skeptics to question the whole “virgin” part.

“Look, all I’m saying is that natural human parthenogenesis was unprecedented the first time back in 4 B.C.,” said biology professor Darles Charwin. “This is just a bit excessive.”

The birth, like the previous 2,022 times, took place in a small town in the West Bank called Bethlehem. All of the Holiday Inns were purportedly booked, forcing Mary and Joseph to stay the night and give birth inside a 2004 Toyota Sienna.

According to Gabriel the Archangel, Mary was more reluctant than usual this time around, but he stressed God’s will. Eventually, Mary “stuck to the script.”

“Do you understand the toll 2,023 births have on the human body?” Mary told The Occasionally via carrier dove. “Now imagine seeing that newborn turn into a 30-year-old man and be put to death all in the span of four months — year after year.”

Charwin has dedicated his entire academic career to studying the annual birth of Jesus Christ. He made headlines a few years back when he conducted a paternity test with Joseph that came back negative, but his most recent paternity test with the Holy Spirit was inconclusive.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Patrick Monreal '22 was the satire editor for Vol. 256, but still continues to contribute to both satire and news in Vol. 257. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.