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Winter Rundown: Elf on the Shelf stares into five-year-old’s soul, grandma watches Fox News and more

Satire by

Whether you were braving awkward family gatherings or applying for summer internships, The Occasionally hopes you enjoyed winter break. It may have seemed short, but it’s amazing how much exciting news happened during the past three weeks. To make sure you’re caught up, we put together a brief rundown.

  • Sophomore sits on phone next to grandma while she watches Fox News. “Those Democrats made sure there was no room at the inn so Jesus had to be born in a cave,” grandma rambled. “That’s why I stand with Israel.” The sophomore just continued to scroll through Twitter.
  • Freshman matches with three girls he graduated high school with on Tinder. “I updated my Tinder the week before break in preparation for my glorious return,” Chad Thomas ’23 said. “I think the little Stanford banner on the profile helped.” Yes, there was a picture of his dog on his profile.
  • Elf on the Shelf stares into God-fearing five-year-old’s soul, while Mensch on a Bench brings only good and holiday cheer.
  • Little sibling watches “Moroccan Christmas” from “The Office” for the fourteenth time, while mom begs him to put on “The Polar Express.” “It’s really cute. Tom Hanks voices all the characters,” mom said. “Shhhh! Meredith is about to catch on fire,” your brother responded.
  • Reserved high schooler tries really hard to come off as “quirky and spontaneous” on Stanford application. “Do you think I should tell them I have a pet axolotl?” asked one Palo Alto High School senior. “I don’t … but they won’t know that, right?” It’s illegal to own an axolotl in California, but we decided not to tell him.
  • Confused sophomore switches major three times over break. “I just don’t understand the difference between public policy, political science and international relations,” Indy Psysive ’22 said. At press time, she was in the process of switching to Symbolic Systems.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Patrick Monreal '22 was the satire editor for Vol. 256, but still continues to contribute to both satire and news in Vol. 257. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.