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Berkeley wins Big Game, granting it the Program in Writing and Rhetoric for the next year

Satire by

This past weekend, Berkeley edged out the Cardinal in a heartbreaking Big Game, ending Stanford’s nine-year win streak. As is tradition, Berkeley will be given the Program in Writing and Rhetoric (PWR) for the next year.

“Not only is this a big win for the team, but it’s a win for the school,” said Cal quarterback Chase Garbers. “We needed a program to elevate us to the level of Stanford’s prestige, and we finally have that in PWR.”

From 15-page essays in PWR 1 to 10-minute long séances in PWR 2, the program focuses on developing the communication skills of students by forcing them to step outside their comfort zones. While Stanford owned the classes for the past nine years, it and the third floor of Sweet Hall must now translocate across the Bay.

“It’s unfortunate — I think a lot of the PWR instructors like it here at Stanford,” said PWR Director Rhett Orick. “Plus, we’re now going to have to rework the curriculum to bring it down to Berkeley’s level.”

The tradition of giving PWR to the victor of Big Game is as old as the game itself, but I don’t think Stanford was particularly prepared for the sudden change. Vice Provost of Undergraduate Education Betsy DeVos has expressed concern on how this will impact the undergraduate experience but is confident in her plan to replace the program with a quarter of indentured servitude to Amway.

Most students, while upset about the loss, see the departure of PWR as somewhat of a consolation. Freshmen and sophomores across campus, in fact, celebrated the defeat.

“I hadn’t started my RBA, and now I don’t have to!” said an anonymous first-year football player. “Finally, Coach Shaw did something good this season!”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Patrick Monreal '22 is the satire editor for Vol. 256, but also occasionally contributes to the news section. A native of Fresno, California, he is interested in studying the natural sciences, public policy and the intersection of the two, especially when it comes to environmental issues. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.