Satire by Kirsten Mettler
As all of Stanford’s campus hypes up for the Big Game, Residential and Dining Enterprises (R&DE) has decided to join in on all of the fun. For Big Game weekend, instead of veggie burgers or beef burgers, there will be bear meat burgers in all of the dining halls. Connie Vore, director of dining special events, seems very passionate about the project.
“The symbolism of it all really moves me,” Vore said, on the verge of tears. “It is like all of Stanford is sitting down and eating Berkeley’s very soul. Just chomping on Oski.”
Since serving bear burgers is a bit unusual, some concerns have been raised: Is eating bear healthy? Are the bears farmed or hunted? Why the hell are we eating bear? Vore pushed aside all of these concerns.
“As always, R&DE is committed to serving sustainable and healthy food,” Vore said. “All of the bear meat is ethically sourced and growth-hormone-free. Plus, it’s Big Game week. Live a little!”
While Vore’s passion for Stanford may very well be inspiring, not all students were so taken by this bear meat idea. A group of unnamed vegans in Birkenstocks and flare jeans reportedly broke into RD&E facilities after hours to dispose of the meat. What they saw may shock you.
“That was no bear meat,” my source reported. “That was human meat. It wasn’t ground up all the way yet, so you could still see a hand clear at the top of the container. I guess I didn’t believe it until I saw the blue and gold T-shirt stuck on the side.”
That’s right. R&DE was planning on serving Berkeley students in their burgers this week. Straight up cannibalism — now that’s Cardinal pride. When approached about this shocking news, Vore wanted to keep her statement brief.
“At the end of the day,” Vore said, “can there ever really be too much school spirit?”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.