Satire by Benjamin Midler
Yesterday, a spokesperson for President Marc Tessier-Lavigne announced that, just as the president of the U.S. pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, the president of Stanford will pardon a California tiger salamander to stop Arrillaga Dining from using it as a meat substitute.
“We believe this is a fun, whimsical tradition that will do a good job of distracting students from all the work they have to do,” the spokesperson said.
When asked what will happen to the salamanders after their pardon — as pardoned turkeys, according to the movie “Free Birds,” live a life of luxury and comfort — the spokesperson shrugged and said, “maybe we’ll give them KA’s house.”
When asked for comment, the California tiger salamander community voiced its support of the decision, explaining that, for too long, their compatriots have been captured, killed and disguised as “turkey” for Arrillaga Dining’s annual Thanksgiving dinner for students remaining on campus over break (Residential & Dining Enterprises deny any such usage of salamander meat in lieu of real turkey).
Tessier-Lavigne, in an unprovoked outburst, swore up and down that this decision does not in any way indicate that he is secretly being controlled by a salamander steering his decisions by yanking on his hair. He then adjusted his white chef’s hat and walked off.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.