Satire by Ruslan AlJabari
In an attempt to foster an alcohol-free environment in residential dorms, Stanford implements “on-calls,” a weekly activity hosted by different Resident Assistants (RAs) each Friday and Saturday aimed at having fun without consuming alcohol.
This was all fun and games until we received this anonymous letter from a distressed frosh:
“Dear Stanford Daily,
Last Friday, my RA decided on an unusual theme for their on-call — praising Satan. I came in after being the party animal that I am to see one unhinged scene: my RA and all of the five frosh that actually go to the on-calls standing in a circle, mumbling weird phrases and sacrificing the Stanford Tree. After abruptly interrupting their ‘session,’ I was chased by my RA and two other frosh wearing masks that had a picture of what looked like a Persis Drell-Dementor hybrid. Ten minutes in, they eventually encircled me and I had no choice but to give in. I don’t really remember what happened after they put the mask [on me], but I did wake up the following day with a massive headache in Terman Fountain, soaked in what tasted and smelled like alcoholic fruit punch. I am majorly terrified and confused to what I should do next. I do not know who to trust. Please send help.
A Frosh who is in deep need of new fresh clothes and a ride back home.”
After publishing, the University has since offered a strange response, criticizing the alcohol at the event and seemingly glossing over the whole satanic thing.
“That sort of behavior does not reflect the University’s values. I feel like I talk for the whole staff when I say that an on-call containing alcohol is a direct violation of the standards we uphold across campus,” one administrator said. “The University has always strived to provide an atmosphere where students are not obligated to drink. The RA should know that they can host that activity without alcohol next time.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Ruslan AlJabari at rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu.