New grad student realizes he was blacked out during entire undergrad experience

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Recently matriculated grad student Quinn McKnight has just come to the realization that he was blacked out during his entire undergraduate experience. McKnight, a first-year master’s student in the School of Engineering, came to this conclusion amid a month-long hangover that resulted from eight semesters of continuous binge drinking. 

“I remember going to this party and taking some shots during my freshman orientation at Cornell a couple years back,” explained Quinn, who somehow regained consciousness four years later with a degree in electrical engineering and a spot at Stanford. “Shit, I think I left my jacket back at D-Tau. Damn, now that’s like 3,000 miles away, though.” 

McKnight was last seen texting people who had long since graduated to let them know that he made it back home safely. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.