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Frosh disappears from FERPA dungeon after trying to view his admissions file

Satire by

On Tuesday, Pat McPat ’23 excitedly announced to friends that he had filled out the famed FERPA forms in order to be allowed exactly 10 minutes and 32 seconds in a dungeon with his annotated Stanford application. McPat’s request is a part of a larger feature of FERPA that allows students at elite universities all over the country to relive the sweet ecstasy of getting into their top school.

According to a close friend, McPat had explained his intentions earlier that day, “I heard there would be a bunch of categories with different rankings. I just wanna see how I compared to other students in the application process. Not that it matters, you know, but also it does matter and I might die if I can’t see.”

McPat received an email with information regarding his viewing time; he was instructed to travel to a set of GPS coordinates, build a small fire and chant “Inay Amnay Otnay Insecurenay.”

However, he has not been seen since. 

Stanford University Department of Public Safety (SUDPS) recently released the last known record of McPat. According to them, before his disappearance, he sent a string of messages to his dorm’s Slack:

“Guys, a staircase just appeared in the ground lol

Wtf I think I figured out how these success metrics work

Wait idk what’s happening rn sjejid I cajeodjdejif 

IT SaYS THE SECRET TO ADMISSION iS [REDACTED]”

If anyone knows of McPat’s whereabouts, SUDPS requests that they leave it to themselves to allow the case to go cold.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Leah Waites at lwaites ‘at’ stanford.edu.