Satire by Ruslan AlJabari
This article is part of a collection of norovirus satire amid the outbreak in freshman dorms.
“We just wanted to have [a] theme that reflects the frosh experience, and the polls have spoken,” announced a Frosh Council Representative. “It’s norovirus.”
Following an outbreak in Stern Hall, many frosh have been coming down with norovirus, also known as the “winter vomiting bug.” Trying to bring the class together, Frosh Council has voted unanimously to make this viral infection the theme of Frosh Formal.
This move was controversial across campus, sparking weird responses from sick frosh.
“I am going to save Riley in this jar for when the time comes,” said a freshman while holding a jar that contained a singular norovirus.
The theme has inspired a bunch of other strange acts, like making marriage pacts with norovirus and drenching suits, tuxedos and dresses in vats of liquified norovirus. One frosh even legally changed his name to Alligot Iza Winterbug.
“It’s just norovirus, bro. Just take a chill pill, bro. Go to Vaden or something,” said a University spokesperson in an official statement.
After many attempts to reach Vaden for comment, an employee chewing a huge pile of gum finally replied, “Um … norovirus? Oh! Yeah, that. Here: just take some Ibuprofen and Gatorade.”
While norovirus might go away soon, its effects on campus will certainly last. After all, no one is going to clean those vomit-filled buckets near Tresidder or throw away those three-week old free samples at Arrillaga.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Ruslan AlJabari at rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu.