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Report: Norovirus having better season than Cardinal football

Satire by

This article is part of a collection of norovirus satire amid the outbreak in freshman dorms.

Students of Leland Stanford Junior University are no stranger to illnesses. After all, the impetus for the creation of the University was the death of Leland Stanford Jr. due to typhoid fever. However, this fall quarter it is a different disease that’s all the rage from East Campus to FroSoCo: norovirus. 

Beyond having my roommate come down with the disease and proceed to expel his guts into my compost bin, there has only been one other let down this fall quarter — Cardinal football. With the starting and second string quarterbacks having both been out due to injuries, the team has struggled. Several students say that they are even weary of the potential outcome of the Big Game against Cal next month. 

Simultaneously, however, norovirus is having a great season. In the preseason, it infected Burbank, and since then, the virus has defeated dorm after dorm in Stern Hall. Consequently, it comes as no surprise that Stanford Athletics is weighing the possibility of creating a collegiate pathogen team to go toe to toe with other campus diseases. Many have called the idea “unethical,”   “a biohazard” and “somewhat resemblant of bioterrorism.”

In an interview, Deputy Athletic Director Patrick Dunkely elaborated, “With football having such a rough time, it’s time we give Stanford students something that they can always count on to win. Yeah we have other sports, but who really watches them anyways?”

“There’s so much potential with this virus it’s insane,” he continued.

Always at the forefront of change, the University and Stanford Athletics, specifically, would be taking the “Next Starts Now” motto to another level. Pathogenic sports is an emerging concept that has never been talked about. 

Many are hoping that Stanford Athletics considers unique pathogenic solutions to avoid a defeat at this year’s Big Game. My proposal: infect Cal’s football team with a medieval-style catapult of infected students across the bay. Instead of football, we could even have a pathogenic showdown where athletes see which campus’ disease makes them vomit the most.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Ian Sills at iansills ‘at’ stanford.edu.