Satire by Aleko Brice
As wildfires blaze across Sonoma Valley, many Stanford students have taken advantage of the abundance of ash in the air by trading their traditional carcinogenic inhalants for the much cheaper outside air.
“Being in college gets expensive,” Brad Orbechoff ’22 said. “I’m glad we were fortunate enough to have these wildfires to give us cancer for free, opposed to the typical $20 we have to cough up for Juul pods.”
Thanks to the blanket of ash now covering most of Northern California, most teenagers can look “cool” without having to break the bank.
“Everyone knows inhaling deadly toxins and looking cool are directly correlated,” James White ’23 said. “Before the fires, I couldn’t afford to ‘fit in’ and breathe deadly chemicals like all my friends. But now with the recent natural disasters … I finally feel that sense of community and respect amongst my peers that comes from shortening your lifespan.”
Although many have embraced the new climate, some students have decided that “vaping sickness is real” and to not venture outside due to the hazardous air.
“A lot of people have been peer pressuring me to stay outside and expose myself to the chemicals,” Jordan Greene ’23, an uncool kid who has decided to waste the current disaster by staying inside with recirculated air, told reporters. “They say things like, ‘You know you want to come outside for extended amounts of time, don’t be a baby!’ or ‘Just try it out for a few minutes, a quick jog doesn’t hurt!’”
Despite some students sticking inside, the majority of students on campus have developed a growing addiction to the campus haze — which soon may rival their addiction to Juul itself. Some students have even grown a preference to the ashy smoke outside.
“Honestly, I find the quality of the outside air is much richer in toxins compared to my standard vape, which allows for a texture better suited for perfecting everything from O’s to Dragon’s,” Erik Dameson ’21 said between vape tricks.
At press time, Juul Labs, Inc. announced their new “Ashy Delight” flavor Juul-pod, which aims to target the demographic of teenagers no longer using their products amidst plummeting sales.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Aleko Brice at mralekob ‘at’ stanford.edu.