Satire by Smiti Mittal
In a recent bout of confusion, hordes of freshmen turned up to the Education as Self-Fashioning (ESF) Plenary under the impression that Enchanted Broccoli Forest (EBF) was hosting a slightly-earlier-than-the-weekend rager 9:30 a.m. in the CEMEX auditorium.
At first, incoming students didn’t even realize they were in the wrong place. Each freshman was handed a sheet of paper with demarcations along the left edge labeled with ESF section numbers. Many just assumed these lines were there to help tear out strips of paper with dimensions exactly engineered for the perfect joint. The numbering system was thought to be a recent initiative of the Office of Alcohol Policy and Education to ensure students were aware of exactly how many joints they had rolled — a parallel of sorts to the plastic cups they distribute with volume markers.
The Daily talked to some students to figure out when exactly they realized they weren’t at EBF. It turns out a few minutes into the event, a couple of drunk frosh tried to join the professor on stage.
“We saw him up there dancing around and muttering to himself,” a Soto resident said. “We just kind of thought that was the dance floor.”
This shift of students onto the stage was a bit too “interactive” — even for the extremely progressive, open-minded faculty. The party was soon broken up and the mob moved outdoors to the bike racks where the ESF-worksheet-joint-smoking continued peacefully.
After the event, a faculty member commented, “In hindsight, the fact that there were 200 kids that looked like they actually wanted to be there Friday morning should have been a dead giveaway right at the start of the lecture. In the moment though, we were just busy enjoying the energy in the room.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Smiti Mittal at smiti06 ‘at’ stanford.edu.