Satire by Kirsten Mettler
As many students know, MATH 51 is an infamously difficult class here at Stanford. After complaints of homework all-nighters, studying stress headaches and an all-around ridiculous workload for students, the mathematics department has finally decided to take some action and fix the MATH 51 problem.
Starting in Fall 2020, students will be required to have a doctor’s note before enrolling in MATH 51, proving a good bill of health and high pain tolerance. A strong immune system and stable blood pressure will be just some of the requirements for students planning on taking the demanding course. Dr. Toobad, a professor in the math department, says that he is super excited about the change.
“I often hear students complain about being tired or overworked in MATH 51. Hopefully, our new health requirements will mean only true insomniacs and caffeine addicts enroll in the course,” Toobad said. “Students need to understand that if you are doing MATH 51, you will not be sleeping this quarter.”
Students, however, are not as excited about the change. Angela Ye ’23 is worried about not being able to take MATH 51 due to the new policies.
“I had asthma in middle school, so I am not sure my doctor will sign me off as being strong enough for the class. I need MATH 51 to complete my major,” Ye said. “What am I supposed to do?”
The math department is promising that as their new health policy gets more concrete, they will answer more student questions. For now, all we can do is wait and work on our homework. Hopefully, we will be done before midnight.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.