Satire by Prateek Joshi
Sources report that Stanford has recently submitted a General Use Permit (GUP) application to the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors, asking for permission to allow the University to stage an overnight coup d’état of the entire county. The application, which has already been approved by the planning commission and is awaiting a final decision from the county, lays out Stanford’s detailed plans to expand its campus in a one-night hostile takeover of the entire 1,304 square-foot territory.
“Stanford is forecasting significant growth over the next decade, and we’re hopeful that the Board of Supervisors will recognize this reality and allow us to seamlessly seize power in a midnight revolution,” wrote Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne in an email that also included a map designating all of Mountain View as the site for expanded grad student housing. “Furthermore, executing this insurgence as a one-night only process will mitigate any adverse impacts on the local community by limiting needless bloodshed and rioting to a 6-hour period, specifically from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m.”
Stanford is also planning to invest $4.7 billion, which will mitigate transportation impacts by converting every intersection into a roundabout and bolster the local community by converting all 1.9 million residents into new students, staff or faculty. Tessier-Lavigne ended his email with thorough plans to bulldoze every single building in San Jose to make room for a revamped engineering quad.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.