Satire by Richard Coca
With over 625 student groups, it is no surprise that not every voluntary student organization (VSO) was approved to table at the fall Activities Fair. Every year, around 400 clubs are represented at the Fair, so we at The Daily decided to look at some of the clubs that were not approved by the Office of Student Engagement.
Stanford Water Benders
After a hot summer full of Stanford Community Alerts, the Office of Student Engagement thought it best that the Stanford water benders did not have an active presence at the activities fair. After a series of chilled water curtailments during Stanford’s last heatwave, the Stanford water benders decided to take justice into their own hands and decided to reroute chilled water away from the Office of the President and back to multiple residences.
The president of the club, Gaurav Sandhu ‘22, spoke to The Daily saying “In hindsight, I should have seen this coming, but honestly, I couldn’t tolerate this hot girl summer any longer.”
In a weird turn of events, the group has seen a remarkable increase in turnout. A petition circulating on service4all has accumulated 400 signatures to reinstate “our saviors.”
This one needs no explanation.
TAP Enthusiasts Club
After much investigative journalism, our news reporters came across a now-deleted Instagram story showing why the seemingly harmless TAP Enthusiasts club was banned from the fair — leaked footage showed that the club started a food fight at Arrillaga.
“I got tired of walking all the way to TAP so I went to late night since it’s closer,” said an anonymous Wilbur RA. “But I just couldn’t handle the inferior waffles fries, so I yeeted them at those smug Late Nite Enthusiasts.”
Stanford Internet Explorer Club
Unfortunately, the Stanford Internet Explorer Club had not been fully registered in CardinalSync before the deadline to sign-up for the activities fair. When the current president of the club, who wishes to remain anonymous, tried to complete registration, they could not submit the page due to a lack of reliable connection. As a result, they were not able to participate.
After becoming associated with the Stanford admissions scandal, the Stanford Sailing team thought it best to continue as a VSO. According to insiders who submitted a tip on The Daily’s website, this decision was controversial among the group.
“No one wants to do TSF hours,” said the source. “My hands started to cramp after the fifth TSF letter. How am I supposed to control the boat’s rudder?”
The Stanford Daily
Unfortunately, due to a loss of funding last year, the Daily could not afford the student activities fair fee of zero dollars. The Daily regrets this error.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu