Satire by Patrick Monreal
You’re not a real Stanford student until you have experienced the thrills of shopping at the Stanford Bookstore. Whether you’re a thoughtful son deciding which $150 polo to buy your dad for Father’s Day (with his own money) or a frantic freshman looking for a fan after realizing your dorm has no air conditioning, the bookstore always seems to have something pretty darn close to what you actually need. But with the store’s wide selection, we at The Daily figured it would be helpful to detail some of our own unique finds at Stanford Bookstore.
Stanford Bookstore’s “freshest” additions to its stock of dorm essentials this year features a new line of air fresheners called “Cardinal Scents.” The scents, ranging from Band Run to Naturday, are available as disposable car fresheners, aerosol sprays and essential oils. Read on for The Daily’s top picks from our new favorite aromatherapy line.
Perfect for those freshmen who want their room to be a non-stop darty (or at least smell like one!), the Naturday’s scent is a wonderful take on Natural Light’s strawberry-lemonade-infused light lager of the same name. Similar to Natural Light’s product, the scent is an enigmatic blend of old beer stains, strawberry Mr. Sketch scented markers and a hint of human urine. With the Naturdays air freshener, you’ll leave guests thinking they’ve stumbled into the backyard of KSig!
“I tried out the Naturdays scent, but my room honestly smelled the same,” said an anonymous Stern resident. “Maybe my room already smelled like that or my nostrils were used to it.”
No, Treehouse does not refer to the calming smell of pine or the outdoors but to the classic homey stench of Stanford’s favorite restaurant and pizzeria. The choice of fragrance for The Daily, the Treehouse scent is an alluring combination of old beer stains (a theme?), cheese pizza and that indescribable musty smell that emanates throughout every Chuck E. Cheese’s in America. According to chemistry professor Al D. Hyde — who consulted on the project — the latter was the “most challenging” to synthesize.
Even though my therapist says I will never forget that fateful night when the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band (LSJUMB) surprised everyone with an involuntary 5K the night before classes started, this Cardinal Scent will make sure I don’t! The Band Run air freshener smells overwhelmingly like body odor with subtle whiffs of gravel and scraped knees. The three stenches pair quite nicely but also induce a strange sense of anxiety about finding your dormmates at the end of the evening.
“Oh, I snort that shit nightly,” said the Stanford Tree.
Gates Computer Science
The ideal fragrance for every
Stanford student computer science major, the limited edition Gates Computer Science scent will remind you of home, sweet home. The manufacturer was slightly less forthright about the contents of this flavor, but rumors are circulating that the authentic sweat and tears of real CS 107 students were extracted to form the base. All I know is this air freshener is selling like hotcakes!
“Yeah, I used the aerosol fragrance as body spray when I had interviews, and as a result I landed an offer at Google,” said Johnny Page ’23.
Tune in next time to “New at Stanford Bookstore” to be the first to hear about the hottest products on campus!
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.