Satire by Patrick Monreal
A lot can happen over summer break — especially at a place like Stanford, where students use the three-month-long vacation to do things like write a book, found a company or train for the Olympics. The Daily compiled a list of summer headlines to keep you informed on the great feats Stanford students are achieving!
- After a year-long hiatus, rising sophomore attends his hometown church with his parents twice, creating a buzz among the parishioners. “Oh yeah, the church at school is beautiful. I go at least three times a week,” Christian La Salle ’22 told the little old lady who sat behind him. The Daily’s investigative team confirmed he had, in fact, not attended service once at Stanford.
- Political science major announces bid for vice mayor of small town in North Dakota. “I really think I can make a difference in Churchs Ferry,” the New York City native told the Daily. “Plus, it would look great on my resume!” In 2010, Churchs Ferry, North Dakota had a population of 12.
- I got a haircut. “Oh, he was a gem,” said the barber. “His hair is so luscious.”
- Pre-med student gets published after playing with rats for a few hours. “This summer was really my first research experience, and I had a good time,” said Doogie Howser ’21, who interned at a lab at Stanford. “I learned a lot, and it shows in this paper.”
- Used to 20-unit quarters, rising senior enjoys a ‘light summer’ of 19 units. “I just needed time to relax, you know,” said the student. “I slacked a little, but it’s summer — you’re supposed to leave room for fun!” The senior is still deciding on a major, but he’s somewhere between computer science and feminist, gender and sexuality studies.
- Distant acquaintance from frosh dorm enjoys trip around Europe, according to Snapchat. Details are still coming to light about this story, as The Daily was not added to the student’s private snap story.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.