By Richard Coca
Potty talk is no joke — especially not to The Grind. On a campus with over 7000 undergraduate students, it can be hard to get some alone time especially when it’s time to relieve yourself. That’s why I took the time to do some real investigative journalism and rank all the best — and the worst —places to party at the potty.
Business School restrooms
The number one place to do number two, the Business School offers the right amount of space, comfort and luxury for you to get into the zone while you’re doing your business. The business students who relieve themselves here really have it too good. Whenever I have a class near the Business School, I will block out time to do my business here, because the restrooms here are simply that good. Constantly clean and often quiet and recluse, you could close a business deal on the toilet if you wanted to.
Law School restrooms
Did you know that it’s illegal to not have a good restroom experience at the Law School? It’s part of the Constitution. Also clean, these restrooms will have you sitting on the toilet simply for the peace and quiet that comes from taking a break from studying.
Restroom near Markaz
Close enough to TAP, but far enough away from its customers, the restroom on the second floor of Old Union, near the Markaz, offers an oasis after your ill-informed decision to go to Taco Bell. Isolated and one of the biggest restrooms on campus, this restroom is perfect when you simply need to get away from the noise. It’s also always stocked, and unlike the first floor restrooms in Old Union, you won’t have someone knocking on the door every six seconds.
Computer cluster restrooms
Not the best restrooms, but they can provide rest — especially early in the morning and late at night. It can be a nice way to get relief when the dorm restrooms simply aren’t living up. During active hours, however, they are not the best. The worst part about these restrooms is that you risk walking into a dirty restroom if someone has beat you to getting relieved.
Dining hall restrooms
Similar to the computer cluster restrooms, they have potential. You also have potential, however, to vomit if you walk in after someone leaves due to mystery meat being served at the dining hall.
Your standard, typical restroom offers the basic necessities for your needs. It may not always be stocked. Someone might have even shit in the restroom (I’m looking at you, Sally Ride shitter), but it’s your common space. These restrooms are relatively clean after the wonderful custodians clean it up, but the second law of thermodynamics always kicks in after two hours.
Congratulations, Stanford! We won another football game. Unfortunately, all those colossal hot dogs clogged all the restrooms in the stadium, and to make it even better, there’s no toilet paper, and you want to die because people are knocking really hard on the door. (I mean really hard, as if they’re trying to roll you out.)
I have to give props to the restrooms at any fraternity for being the absolute worst. Any potty party at any frat is BYOTP (bring your own toilet paper). My favorite thing is when you’re waiting in a line for a good several minutes, only to see that the girl who just bumped into you on the way back inside had obviously come back from peeing in the bushes. (Luckily for her, the dance floor is not as lit.) Even better, who doesn’t love the interruption from the person looking to hydrate from a sink faucet?
Truly, no Stanford experience is complete without a party at the potty.
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.