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Let’s get ‘Hannah-lytical’

A dastardly viewing of "The Bachelorette" at the Lorry Lokey Stanford Daily building (ALANNA FLORES/The Stanford Daily)

In this week’s whimsical episode of “The Bachelorette,” Hannah brings the men into her world of pageantry with the “Mr. Right Pagent.” Within this evocative display of humanity, there is an unexpected reframe of the traditional swimwear portion, substituting bikinis and one-pieces (and maybe tankinis) with speedos.

The on-screen event preparation is quite extensive, involving snippets of interviews, disarming singing and side commentary such as, “Sorry, mom.”

In this haze, Alaska of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” asks Luke P. what his biggest asset will be in the upcoming show.

Luke responds with conviction, “My character.”

Alaska counters, “Dig deeper.”

For the talent portion, Jed whips out his guitar and all the men sigh at the disheartening truth that the game has been won. No one wants to follow the heartfelt musician’s act (I hesitate to bestow upon him the title musician based on the performance), except, of course, Luke P.

Luke P. discovers a miraculous way to be a one-upper: drop the L-word within 48 hours of knowing something.

“I’m genuinely starting to fall in love with you,” he theatrically declares in a manner that is about as persuasive as my childhood pleas to my mother that if we were to get a dog, I care for it alone. No red flags rapidly fluttering in the wind there.

To Luke P.’s credit, Hannah ate it up and his dramatic disposition afforded him the opportunity to reign as “Mr. Right” for all of ABC eternity.

Later, there is an exhilarating group date as well as a one-on-one where, honestly, nothing of note happened, except that we learned the ABCs.

For those of you that aren’t up to date on your absurd and insignificant lingo, ABC stands for “Always Be Cam” and is an affirmation that Cam tells himself in order to be the bold man that Hannah desires.

He takes a “Hannah-lytical” approach (his words not mine), intruding on a group date he was not invited to with an oh-so-original bouquet of flowers. It’s a contentious move that is likely the reason for his survival to the next week of the Hunger Games.

Moving swiftly into the cocktail party, in an outward display of “starting to fall in love,” Hannah preps for massage time with a shirtless Luke P. He artfully assuages her concerns about his insincerity: “Everything I’m telling you is 100-percent real. I promise.”

Not long after, Jed stumbles upon Hannah and Luke P. who are enraptured in a fit of passion. The awkwardness is settled with a healthy dose of laughter as a coping mechanism — my personal favorite antidote.

During elimination time, Hannah dismisses all those that failed to be bold. ABC Cam remains afloat in the grander scheme to be “Mr. Right.”

For more obscure acronyms and foolish banter, contact Alanna Flores at alanna13 ‘at’

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Alanna Flores

Alanna Flores

Alanna Flores '22 is a Desk Editor for The Grind. She hails from the depths of New Jersey and feels vaguely uncomfortable writing about herself in third-person. Contact her at alanna13 'at'