Satire by Patrick Monreal
The whole world stopped on Tuesday afternoon when ResX Chief Executive Officer (CEO) Susie Brubaker-Cole — dressed in a black turtleneck and jeans — presented at the company’s annual media conference. The highlight of the event was the reveal of the next generation of technology: the iPhone RA Plus.
“Every once in a while, a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything, and [ResX] has been very fortunate to be able to introduce a few of these into the world,” Brubaker-Cole said. “Today we’re introducing three revolutionary products of this class: the RA Plus, the Draw Pro and — wait for it — neighborhoodOS.”
Speculation has run rampant over the past couple months over the trillion-dollar company’s new line of products. For example, many believed the company would be phasing out popular software iGreek, citing ResX’s attempted acquisition of third-party developers like TDX as evidence.
The RA Plus seeks to combine all previous smartphones into one device. In theory, the new product would perform all the functions of previous devices, but critics saw this as an “unnecessary rebrand.” ResX clarified that consumers could choose specializations of the model to fit their needs — whether it be health education, computing, managing finances, holding back a resident’s hair while they vomit or gene-editing babies.
“The iPhone RA Plus does little to expand on the previous iPhone RA,” said The Daily’s technology correspondent Ashwin Ramaswami ’21. “But it was necessary to redefine the role of the device in our everyday life. Shares might be down on Wall Street, but ResX did a lot of work to standardize the product while tailoring it to specific needs.”
Little is known about ResX’s plan for the Draw Pro. The company announced that it would be getting rid of the Draw, the current lottery-based algorithm and briefly described its probable successor. With Draw Pro, experts foresee ResX moving away from lotteries and closer to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s new TV show “The Titan Games.” A new “God Tier” will also be added to existing tiers as an option for double-legacy students.
Finally, Brubaker-Cole spoke on a software currently in development called neighborhoodOS. The revolutionary product seeks to change the way students live at Stanford by reorganizing its infrastructure, but the process will be a long and gradual one. Immediately after the event, bets began over whether neighborhoodOS’s implementation would finish before or after Gabe Rosen ’19 becomes president of the University.
The products will likely go on sale within the next eon or so. In the meantime, rival company Stanford Coalition for Planning an Equitable 2035 plans its violent coup d’état.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.
Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.