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Netflix renews ‘Real Housewives of the ASSU’

PATRICK MONREAL / The Stanford Daily

Just as election season kicks into gear, Netflix announced the acquisition of “The Real Housewives of the ASSU” from Bravo. The announcement comes just one week after the network canceled the series due to poor ratings. Netflix also has plans for a spin-off soap opera focused on the Graduate Student Council, titled, “All My Graduates.”

“In our view, this season has been a smashing success,” a Netflix spokesperson wrote in an email to The Daily. “Netflix is very excited to bring you a second season of the ASSU.”

With the season finale weeks away, fans are speculating that the last episode will determine the direction of Netflix’s future seasons. It is likely the series will have to say farewell to fan favorite Gabe Rosen ’19. Sources say Rosen, a three-term housewife and political science major, may join the cast of “The Real Housewives of New York City” next year.

“A true New Yorker never backs down, and I’m no exception. Holla!” Rosen said in response.

Rosen, known for tagline, “Life in Stanford is a game, and I make the rules,” has had his share of drama over the course of his career. In an exclusive with “Form & Style” — found at the nearest Safeway near you — Rosen claimed his most memorable moment was his lightsaber catfight with Emperor Palpatine over his Senate seat.

The inaugural season of “The Real Housewives of the ASSU” was truly an emotional rollercoaster, beginning with the approval of Tim Vrakas ’21 as an ex-officio housewife and official printer queen. From there, the housewives were knee-deep in a constitutional crisis over funding for to allow controversial right-wing filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza to speak on campus — feuding with Stanford College Republicans and introducing guest star John Rice-Cameron ’20.

“I considered pressing charges against the ASSU, but didn’t want to be the subject of another rap song,” Rice-Cameron said.

Internal drama continued over club funding and election reform. When The Daily petitioned for funding after missing a deadline, ASSU Financial Manager LoMo Phillips ’17 simply responded with her tagline, “Money doesn’t give you class, it just gives you money.”

Over the course of the season, tears were shed, vases were thrown and backs were stabbed. However, despite all this, the housewives of the ASSU were able to come together near the end and get some important work done — like mozzarella sticks at TAP!

Rotten Tomatoes may have given this season a 12 percent, but fans are excited for Netflix’s acquisition, especially with a brand new cast.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Patrick Monreal

Patrick Monreal

Patrick Monreal '22 is the satire editor for Vol. 256, but also occasionally contributes to the news section. A native of Fresno, California, he is interested in studying the natural sciences, public policy and the intersection of the two, especially when it comes to environmental issues. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.