Satire by Patrick Monreal
Coupa Café announced an additional location in a Facebook post on Thursday evening. Starting spring quarter, the family-owned coffee business will be operating a kiosk on the other side of Hewlett 200’s revolving stage, securing its monopoly over caffeinated beverages at Stanford.
“Hewlett 200 seats thousands of students each and every day,” said owner Jean Paul Coupal. “It only makes sense that students have the opportunity to enjoy a fresh cup of joe while sitting through CS.”
Students need only to push a button to cause the front of the lecture hall to rotate, revealing the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Members of the Faculty Senate initially expressed concerns that this would cause distractions in lecture, but all concerns were quelled when physics professor Young Lee expressed his support of Coupa.
“Whatever keeps students awake in lecture,” said Lee, while creating 20 iClicker questions for his next lecture.
While it remains unclear whether the Coupa will be restricted to declared computer science and Symbolic Systems majors, several students are excited at the prospect of a new location. According to a Daily poll of five students, 60 percent of undergraduates are in support of the Coupa, 20 percent are not in support and another 20 percent are indifferent.
“I t-t-t-t-think the new Coupa is a great idea,” said that one freshman with five classes in Hewlett. “Now, I really never have to leave Hewlett.”
Coupa’s announcement comes during a busy year for the company, during which five new locations have been added to campus. September saw the addition of the Coupa vending machine inside the Tresidder Starbucks, and, in November, a full-fledged espresso bar opened for business inside the gender-neutral locker room at the Arrillaga Outdoor Education and Recreation Center. Additionally, rumors continue to circulate about a potential partnership between Coupa Café and Enchanted Broccoli Forest.
“It’s really an exciting time for the company,” said Coupal. “We are reaching every community of Stanford’s campus.” When asked about the prospect of a Coupa iteration in Margaret Jacks Hall, catering to English majors, Coupal smirked, clarifying: “I meant all the communities that matter.”
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.
Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.