Humor by Patrick Monreal
In a statement released by Residential Education (ResEd) on Wednesday, the University announced new policies regulating the use of Juuls on campus. Starting with the Class of 2023, every incoming freshman will be required to come to campus equipped with a personal Juul. The move comes after an infamous mono outbreak in Twain that allegedly stemmed from rampant Juul sharing.
“We are taking every step necessary to address this campus-wide health crisis,” read the statement from ResEd. “The sharing of one Juul between a group of students is an atrocity. No student should feel peer-pressured to participate in the unsafe spread of bacteria.”
As of now, it is unclear how ResEd will enforce its new policy. An anonymous source from University IT hinted at an enrollment hold in Axess. The hold would not be released until the student registers their vaping device with the University.
“It would probably be something similar to how students register iClickers on Canvas,” said the source. “Students would enter their Juul’s serial number into Axess, and use could then be monitored by the Office of Alcohol Policy and Education, who can ensure each student is only hitting their personal Juul.”
When asked if the same technology could be applied to ensure each eligible voter registers for upcoming elections, the source refused to comment.
The decision follows an outbreak of mono and strep throat, which health officials attributed to shared usage of vaping devices. Affected residences include many freshman dorms, including Arroyo, Cedro, Junipero, Otero, Rinconada, Soto, Larkin, Burbank, Donner, Serra and Twain. At this time, Vaden is unaware of any recent outbreak in FroSoCo.
Fellows in the medical school are praising the University’s decision, describing it as “a long time coming” and “the forefront of health policy on college campuses.” UC campuses are expected to make similar health-conscious decisions in the coming weeks.
Following the announcement, the Undergraduate Senate added a resolution in support of Juul pod vending machines in Old Union to the agenda, citing a “pressing community need for more creme brulee and fewer cucumber pods on campus.”
Juul co-founders James Monsees M.F.A. ’06 and Adam Bowen M.S. ’05 could not be reached for comment.
Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.