Satire by Patrick Monreal
In an email that bounced around service4all, comunidad and considering_cs listservs, Stanford University Department of Public Safety (SUDPS) announced that adding individuals to email lists without consent will now be considered a felony. The decision comes after a widely-circulated GIF of Michael Scott yelling “Noooo” crashed the University’s email servers last week.
“The era of unwarranted gifs and unreadable colorful fonts is over,” read the statement. “Stanford University Police Department will now have the authority to arrest owners of email lists full of spam. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”
In the days following the announcement, four club presidents have been arrested and the chairs of seven academic departments are under investigation. According to anonymous sources, the manager of service4all is seeking political asylum in Bosnia and Herzegovina.
“Nemam pojma o čemu govorite. Tko je ovaj američki student koji imamo u pritvoru?” said Chairman of the Council of Ministers Denis Zvizdić.
Franz Ferdinand Professor of Bosnian Studies Żubrówka Luksusowa roughly translated the statement to: “The Bosnian people hold freedom of speech central to the institution of democracy.”
Several pre-law freshman and members of Stanford Mock Trial have formed an advocacy group dedicated to aid those charged with email assault. According to the group’s website, created on Weebly hours after SUDPS’s decision, email is the primary means of communication for clubs; restricting email is restricting the club itself.
“Everyone uses Slack, bro,” tweeted SUDPS in response to the advocacy group.
The original announcement by SUDPS did not specify penalties for violators, but the Daily’s legal analysts predict sentences ranging anywhere from five years in prison to 100 TSF hours. Law professors quickly pointed out, however, that TSF hours may violate the cruel and unusual punishment clause of the Eighth Amendment. The Santa Clara County District Attorney refused to comment, responding to the Daily’s emails with a GIF of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying “talk to the hand.”
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.
Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.