By Clara Spars
’Twas the week before Big Game
And all over the Farm
Each student was in a frenzy
In apparent alarm.
Would the Big Game be canceled
From all the smoke in the sky?
Would we lose our one chance
To see Cal’s Theta Delta Chi?
The postponement was abysmal
Even for a nerd.
There were complaints across campus –
These were things overheard:
In a sorority house
A: Oh look, we got an invite to Cal’s TDX [Theta Delta Chi] event at the Big Game!
B: That’s so exciting! Wow, it’s even in Lucida Blackletter font. How classy!
A: … Or ominous. I hear they’re kinda … weird …
B: Shut up.
A: Excuse me?
B: Do NOT ruin this for me. This is the only social event we’ve had all year.
A: But I hear they’re weirder than our TDX. Like they’re not even skinny alt-boys who like skating, they’re just … silent.
B: Um, okay, but this could be more fun than anything we’ve had this quarter.
A: The letter is in Lucida Blackletter. Also the smoke outside might –
B: I SAID SHUT UP!
A: By the way, was that you streaking across the stage at Gaieties on Friday?
B: Yeah! How could you tell?
A: Only you would decide to do the worm. On stage. Naked.
B: It was LIBERATING!
A: Yeah, you were really letting it all hang out.
B: It’s the Big Game, baby. You gotta do what you gotta do.
In a dorm
A: I’m not gonna leave my room for the next four days, except to go to the bathroom.
B: Oh man, is it because of the smoke?
B: Is it because you have so much work?
B: Oh. Are you good?
A: Yeah, I’ll just be playing Red Dead Redemption 2.
B: Oh, is that like a Big Game thing?
A: Yeah, it’s where Stanford students storm the field on horseback and slaughter the Cal band. Like in “Game of Thrones.”
A: No. It’s a video game.
In Farrillaga Gym
A: If Stanford doesn’t win this, I’m gonna …
B: You’re gonna what?
A: I’m gonna …
B: What, Matt, just say it. What are you gonna do?
A: I’m gonna shave my head and drop out and pursue my lifelong dream of opening a tea shop in rural Montana.
A: There, I said it.
A: When was the last time you went outside?
B: Last Wednesday.
In a dining hall
A: Are you going to the Big Game?
B: I might just go to the pre-games at the frats and then come back.
A: But isn’t the whole point to support the football team?
B: Oh honey, I couldn’t tell you the difference between a home run and a buzzer-beater.
A: You know what? Me neither.
Contact Clara Spars at cspars ‘at’ stanford.edu.