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Ode to mozzarella sticks

Courtesy of Casey Butcher

Here’s just one quick note: This ode is creepy on purpose … kinda like a joke on those creepy old poets, ya know? Did I ruin the joke by explaining it? Sorry. I just don’t want you to think I actually sit around like “Yo, I wish I could sink my teeth into some gleaming innards.” I neither condone nor endorse this behavior. If you are not mentally equipped to read such content, I strongly suggest you stop reading here.

Okay, now that we’ve got that cleared up, here’s the good stuff:

 

To my dearest love:

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

My Queen of Joy

My Empress of Flavor

My Angel of Comfort

Thou truly art the GOAT (1)

Thou truly art My GOAT

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

Why dost thou hidest from me?

Buried away in thy warm cove

Behind thy metal fortress

Bundled deep within the castle of thy kitchen

Blanketed with thy alluring aroma

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

Why dost thou torturest me so?

Resting outside the reach of my outstretched arms

Avoiding my longing grasp

Escaping my desperate lips

Tempting me

Teasing me

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

How thou shinest above my former love

Potato chips and cold queso (2)

And my ex-mistress

Parmesan garlic fries

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

Dost thou finally grace me with thy presence?

Why indeed, tis true

Hallelujah!

Thou art before me uponst my mundane table

It doesn’t do thee justice

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

I am eternally honored to kneel before thee

Worshipping the greatest beauty my eyes have ever beheld

Swaddled in thy delicious aroma

Nestled in thy gleaming golden shell

Into which my teeth long to sink

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

Just thy sultry scent leaves me licking my lips with longing

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

How tender is thy supple interior

How ripe dost thou gleaming innards be

How gooey

How steamy

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

How I itch to tear thy tender flesch

Feel it gush betwixt my teeth

How I long to hear your inner region stretch and snap

As my feeble mind does

Before each oncoming midterm (3)

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

How I love thee so

Thou art the greatest love of my humble life

Thou bringest me the glimmering light of hope

My ray of optimism

Radiating positive energy in the darkest of times

Thou art my brilliant rods of happiness

Thou glowest like a beacon of euphoria

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

Thou art my savior

 

Oh, mozzarella sticks!

Thou art the only one I’ve ever truly loved

 

TLDR: (4)

Yo, MS –

U fine or whatever.

Come thru.

I’m bored and u seem kinda chill.

 

  1. Colloquial acronym often employed by the youths. Translates to: “greatest of all time”
  2. Yes, together (try it!)
  3. Lol it’s fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine.
  4. “Too long, didn’t read.” Another darn youthful acronym.

 

Contact Phoebe Quinton at pquinton ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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