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Surviving the zombie apocalypse


With Halloween imminent, our current situation grows increasingly dire — zombies on planet Earth. I’m not talking about the occasional zombie leaving Green Library bleary-eyed after not being able to make heads or tails out of a math p-set or furiously finishing an essay. I’m talking about real zombies: the heavily contused and emaciated ones with questionable meal choices that generally wreak havoc. Here’s a list of some items that could prove crucial in case of an invasion by the walking dead.

Chocolate is “manna from heaven”

First things first. Grab all the chocolate hazelnut spread in plain sight. With this delicious condiment, anything is possible — even escape from world domination by zombies. Note: A Ben & Jerry’s pint would also suffice for this necessity. There’s nothing that chocolate or Ben & Jerry’s can’t fix, whether that be getting over someone (as is its mainstream use) or incessantly stressing over how you’re going to use Java to get a ball to bounce around on a paddle.  

Escaping the terror

Next, find a reliable car, preferably a sports car that can accelerate to 60 mph in less than five seconds so you can flee from these zombies and find the nearest Costco — the ultimate refuge. Get your bike, your scooter or a golf cart and flee like you’re in Fast and Furious. Everyone and their mother will be hiding in the dorms, so you should capitalize on the situation and make a break for it while you can.  

How to distract yourself

Grab your phone as well, so you’ll have some form of entertainment while you wait out the zombie infestation. Even though peril and brain consumption lie just outside of Costco’s formidable walls, you can distract yourself by taking free samples and going down the rabbit-hole of meme pages. Perhaps you’ll also be able to “find your friends,” see whether they have been afflicted and then Snap them pictures of yourself enjoying sourdough bread and Pocky sticks while the world crumbles outside.

Optional but possibly life-saving

See about grabbing a biochemistry textbook so you can use the supplies in Costco to craft an antidote to this zombie plague. Our years in advanced science need to amount to something. If you do succeed in creating an antidote (and diffuser to propagate the antidote mist over the world) that cures everyone who has been infected, maybe you can convince the Financial Aid office to cover your full cost of attendance since you would be doing such a great service to all of humankind.  


Contact Sarayu Pai at smpai918 ‘at’