By Dylan Grosz
Note: this piece is a satirical article.
Taylor Swift’s “Reputation” is the most anticipated pop album of the year, and we at the Daily were so excited to review it that we didn’t even have time to listen to it. Instead, we used our advanced music reviewing algorithms to generate all possible reviews of “Reputation.” From all four corners of Taylor Swift’s fan-base (including her lovers and her haters), here are four distinct, unique and well-thought-out takes on Taylor Swift’s upcoming album “Reputation.”
Honestly, I am very excited for this new Taylor Swift album despite the fact that I do not listen to her all too often. I like music, though. Although this Taylor Swift album is very different from the other albums Taylor Swift has released before this album, this change is very brave, which makes this album very different; she has changed. This change is very unexpected, and as I have previously said about the album before this one, this change will, indeed, be very different and new. I am blindsided by Taylor Swift’s new direction, and I do not think I can handle it, but I trust my own music taste; I listen to Kendrick Lamar, who had a good verse on “Bad Blood,” which is a song by Taylor Swift. The new singles were weird, but different. I’ve been told that I’m a different guy myself, so I think I will give this new album a shot. Although I said this for the previous Taylor Swift album, I do not normally listen to Taylor Swift, but just this once, I am intrigued by Taylor Swift and her new album, and I will listen.
Honestly, as a longtime fan of Taylor Swift and official “Squad” member in my heart, I am very scared of this new Taylor Swift album. Although Taylor Swift is the same person, I am scared that she has changed. She used to be a country girl, with a guitar and a voice. But now, she has discovered new instruments and writers. Why has Taylor Swift changed when the version of her on the previous album was so good? I don’t like this new direction Taylor Swift is embarking upon. I am very offended she did not consider my input in this, for I am part of her squad. Although I said this for the previous Taylor Swift album, I am not sure I will like this album, and I fear that this will be the end of my tenure as a part of the “Squad.”
Honestly, Taylor Swift is slaying. Her lead single “Look What You Made Me Do” is absolutely savage. I like the new single, which is really good and deserves to be No. 1 on Billboard forever. I really liked the part of the song where she said “the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now” because it sounded like she was actually on the phone. Taylor Swift is finally addressing all her haters in a verse, slaying them in a chorus and then shaking them off in the end. I do not understand why people will not like this new Taylor Swift album. It is good. However, I cannot tell you about her most savage songs on this new album right now because I have not listened to the whole thing yet. Although I said this for the previous Taylor Swift album, the old Taylor Swift is dead, and I am sure that this new album will be her best and most savage yet; continue to slay, T-Swizz!
Honestly, I do not like Taylor Swift; she is a snake, who slithers. Taylor Swift used to be so genuine when she was a country girl on her first couple albums, so I am told. I will listen to her music soon. Fame has changed Taylor Swift, and I am appalled that a change to Taylor Swift’s life has changed Taylor Swift. I cannot believe that Taylor Swift has done this, released music that is. Taylor Swift is not a good artist and is just a puppet of major labels. What even are these new singles? My friends told me they sounded very different and had trap beats. I cannot believe Taylor Swift is using different drum sounds; these drum sounds are not her sounds. “…Ready For It” just sounds like Taylor Swift heard a random track a few years ago off of Kanye West’s “Yeezus” – “Yeezus” is an album that I am aware of the existence of – and put what she vaguely remembered about it into a pop song format. I am mad. Taylor Swift is just changing her sound because the genre this new album is emulating is what is popular right now, which is not the point of pop music. Why can’t she be more like other genuine pop acts, like Bruno Mars or Ed Sheeran? I like Bruno Mars and Ed Sheeran, but not Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is not good. Although I said this for the previous Taylor Swift album, this album will be her most sellout album yet; I did not expect this, and I am very surprised and also disappointed (not to mention mad).
Contact Dylan Grosz at dgrosz ‘at’ stanford.edu.