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How to procrastinate: Teen movie edition

If you’re like me, you’ve procrastinated for most of your life. You still somehow get everything done on time with some decent quality, even though you should have just started earlier. But that’s not why I’m here.

If you’re max-level stressed, like Nicole Kidman at the Oscars when Jimmy Kimmel announced that regular people would be in the front row, and you just have to avoid responsibility at all cost: Procrastinate. But, you should procrastinate in style — iconic teen-movie style. Here are some suggestions, vaguely inspired by teen movies, ranked from most innocent to most likely to have some lasting impact on your life.

 

1. “She’s All That”: Get a makeover (or just like wear contacts instead of your glasses).

There’s nothing like putting on some dark lipstick that your friend convinced you to buy for $30 to make you feel like you can take on anything, including the p-set that was due three hours ago.

2. “Breakfast Club”: Join a club, preferably one centered around meals.

If you absolutely have to do work, you can just write a super sentimental letter about how you and your friends defy their stereotypes. But, just make sure your prof doesn’t see you having any kind of fun, because when you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

3. “Risky Business”: Dance around in your underwear when nobody else is home.

Bonus points for a good taste in music and tighty whities.

4. “Clueless”: Set up your professor on a date.

They’ll be so grateful that you’re bound to get an extension on that paper! As a reminder, don’t let their romantic success make you feel bad about your losses.

5. “Easy A”: Pretend to be going out with people for money.

There are a lot of people out there trying to convince their parents and friends that they are not desperately single when in fact they are very desperately single (*cough* like me *cough*). This is where you can make some big bucks, and if everything works out like it does in movies, you’ll fall in love, be successful and your final paper won’t even matter!

6. “Say Anything”: Play your favorite song hella loud on your portable speaker outside your crush’s window.

This could go either very well or terribly, terribly wrong. Your call. Bonus: I recommend “Fergalicious,” obviously the most romantic song of our time.

7. “Donnie Darko”: Put on a creepy bunny costume, and lurk around a random teenager’s house.

Convince them that the world’s going to end, and watch them spiral into a mental illness. You could potentially be arrested.

8. “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”: Go for a joyride, or like rent a Zipcar or something.

Half Moon Bay isn’t that far away, and isn’t life all about experiences? Just please don’t steal a car — that’s a really bad decision, like way worse than procrastinating.

9. “Rebel Without a Cause”: Race your car towards the edge of a cliff.

One of the characters that did this in the movie died. So while it seemed like a crazy, adrenaline-pumping thing to do while you’re still young, it didn’t even go well in the movie, let alone your procrastinating self.

10. “Grease”: Drop out.

You can’t procrastinate if you don’t go to school.

 

I hope these suggestions help you in your pursuit of procrastination, and if they don’t, at least you got to procrastinate for the two minutes it takes to read this article.

 

Let Arianna Lombard know if these strategies worked for you at ariannal ‘at’ stanford.edu.