One of the biggest surprises in this year’s ASSU elections was the appearance of the Dark Lord of the Sith, Emperor Palpatine, on the ballot. Although Palpatine received 752 votes, enough to win a seat on the Senate, an ASSU bylaw declared his candidacy “not valid.” Palpatine had the eighth-highest number of votes out of all candidates. The Daily sat down with the anonymous student masquerading as the Emperor to reflect on the election, discuss his galactic machinations and to allow him to make his case for why he “is the Senate.”
The Stanford Daily (TSD): Before we get deeper into this interview, is it “Emperor Palpatine” or “Senator Palpatine”? Or may I call you Sheev?
Emperor Palpatine (EP): Sheev is insulting to me. I would prefer “Emperor” because that is what I aspire to be, and that is what I am. In the past I went by “Senator,” but times have changed.
TSD: What do you study at Stanford, Emperor?
EP: So there’s a spinoff of Symbolic Systems (SYMSYS) called Evil Systems. That’s what I’m primarily interested in. We look at not just microaggressions, but all sorts of aggressions, specifically those that result in the extermination of the Jedi. Great program, honestly. Dr. Dement was a big proponent of it in the beginning, but he kind of drifted off after a while.
TSD: What convinced you to run for Senate?
EP: I grew up in Naboo, a beautiful young heartland, and I served under Queen Amidala. But then I realized I had wider aspirations and that my power should be expanded to encompass more than just one planet, but an entire galaxy. I thought Stanford was the right place. It needed my corruption, because there just wasn’t enough corruption here. We have such pristine institutions, and it was my job to actually destroy them.
TSD: Have you run for Senate before?
EP: I’ve been running for quite a long time – running away from my problems, yes, but running for Senate, more specifically, ever since the prequel trilogy came out… which is, as an evil person, I believe the best of all Star Wars movies.
TSD: How exactly did you conduct your campaign? Did you seek any endorsements?
EP: Typically what I would do is I would find people I would like to vote for me, or organizations, and I would Force Choke them until they decided to bend to my peerless will. You’d be surprised how much a Force Choke or Force Lightning can make somebody subservient to your needs. So yes, I went to every organization on campus I could find and Force Choked them until they said yes. The only group I could not infiltrate was SOCC.
TSD: What orders did you address in your platform and hope to execute in the Senate?
EP: They’re all named after varieties of Order 66. Order 66A, for example, was the Western Campus Civilization requirement, where we are required to learn about the rich cultures of FroSoCo, Oak Creek and Lag — that was one of my big local platforms. On a more galactic level, I believed in a strict no-Wookie policy, as they are filthy animals that do not deserve to breathe the air that I breathe, as well as AT-AT parking tickets and parking passes. It’s widely underutilized here at Stanford.
TSD: I’m sure that’s a way that would help drum up funds for student groups.
EP: AT-ATs strike fear into anyone, and, of course, fear is the easiest way to raise money.
TSD: What were your thoughts on more local issues, such as an alcohol ban on campus or a Western Civilization requirement?
EP: Palpatine, as a proponent of evil, adamantly supported Western Civ. But Western Campus Civ, that’s really what I cared about.
TSD: Do you have any understanding of the bylaws that led to you being declared “not valid,” and what do you have to say in response to that?
EP: The biggest complaint about my validity in the Senate was that my name was not in the registrar system — however, that’s untrue. “Press this button for your votes to count (jk Emperor Palpatine)” is a registered Stanford student, or at least was at the time of the election — so that’s thrown out. But according to Joint Bylaws of the ASSU, Appendix I, Section 3 A.1, all decisions on candidates, respective to their validity, must be made before the candidate is put on the ballot. So because I was put on the ballot, I truly was, at least by the Constitution of the ASSU, wronged. I intend to Force Lightning all of them into oblivion.
TSD: That’s violent. Anything else that you intend to do in order to take it to the Senate?
EP: Yes. My ultimate power has clearly not been understood by the bantha fodders of this tiny, argyle campus. I hereby challenge Gabe Rosen, the man who stole my Senate seat, to a lightsaber duel in the Quad. If he accepts this invitation, we will fight to the death, and the winner gets the Senate seat. This will happen next Friday at 12:30 p.m. Gabe, what do you say?
TSD: Where do you see yourself this time next year?
EP: Next year, I may run again, but I’ve been training an apprentice. He is also from Naboo, and he speaks in strange structures. He is a Gungan, and he is the most powerful Sith Lord that has ever walked this earth… Darth Jar Jar.
TSD: Oh, no.
EP: Keep an eye out for him. He may or may not appear. He is one with the Force.
TSD: Speaking of the Force, there was an awakening recently. Did you see “The Force Awakens”?
EP: Yes, I did. I foresaw it, and then I saw it — that’s how these things work. I was upset that I was not in the movie. I was also upset that Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and other people that I hate more than anything other than my own being — I have self-esteem issues, it’s a real problem — were alive in the movie. I had problems with that. And finally, I have a problem with Kylo Ren. I think he’s a whiny, more punchable Snape, and he needs to be recast immediately. Additionally, why take off the mask? He looks so much more badass with the mask on. I don’t know what he’s doing. But that being said, I didn’t wear a mask, I wore a hood. Yes, I have my grievances — not my General Grievous, but my grievances.
TSD: What are your feelings toward Finley and Hill?
EP: I feel there is a great potential in them to become great and powerful Sith Lords. We shall see. Also, did you see? They sent out an email to everyone on campus, and they said that Palpatine has lost, and they sent this video of Mace Windu pointing his lightsaber at Palpatine, saying that the Senate will be safe. I just want everyone, for the record, to know that five seconds after that video clip, Palpatine lightnings him the hell out of that building. Mace Windu is dead, I guess, to become Nick Fury from “The Avengers.” It was just a pathetic attempt to stop my spirit.
TSD: Is there anything else that you would like to say to the people?
EP: I will rise, and I will one day have unlimited power!
Contact Jacob Nierenberg via holocommunicator at jhn2017 ‘at’ stanford.edu.