University commissions multimillion-dollar monument to the arts

April 1, 2016, 3:55 a.m.

This Thursday, University President John Hennessey announced a multimillion-dollar proposal to install a “monument to artistic expression” in front of the recently completed McMurtry Building. This proposal arrives at the end of Hennessey’s term as president, and Hennessey, a computer scientist, hopes it will serve as a reminder of his work at Stanford as a tireless champion of the arts.

“I think the ideal Stanford student majors in something worthwhile like civil engineering but nonetheless appreciates the significance of the analytical and creative thinking afforded by the study of the arts,” said Hennessey in his opening remarks at a recent town hall.

When asked to explain the meaning of the phrase “creative and analytical thinking,” Hennessey seemed confused. “I’m not sure, but my wife [Andrea Hennessey] says I’m supposed to say that a lot.” Across the room, Andrea Hennessey — herself a tireless champion of the arts and host of the yearly “Party on the Edge” at the Cantor Arts Center — held up a hand sign that this writer believes to have meant “OK.”

“We don’t expect Stanford students to actually want to be artists,” he elaborated as shivers rolled down his spine, “but we want people who visit to think we care about all professions, about students of diverse interests. So we’re building a statue.”

“A big one,” he added. “Really big.”

The commissioned statue is currently being constructed by Kent Treadwell ’17 — a computer science major and founder of Boogle (a mobile application similar to Boggle, except with little ghosts instead of letters) — who says he was inspired by a drawing class he took during his freshman year at Stanford when he was still pretending to consider other careers.

“It was so great. Taking a course without p-sets, without examinations. Art majors are so lucky to have the opportunity to do something so futile. Not worrying about CS107? That’s gnarly, man,” he said. After being reminded of the question, Treadwell continued, “So that’s why I applied to design the statue.”

Treadwell’s design, an 8-foot Popsicle-stick Alienware laptop, was selected from a competitive pool of applicants last December. Describing the idea behind the design, Treadwell said the following.

“Look at ‘The Martian.’ Or ‘Interstellar.’ Science and the arts go hand in hand,” he enthused over a cinnamon dolce latte. “I wanted to speak to that union. I wanted to show students like me that dabbling in the arts isn’t the end of the world. Like majoring in English or communications. You feel?”

Upon completion, the statue is slated to become the next addition to the newly formed “Humanities and Arts Tour,” a student-run walking tour of that one fancy building with all the stairs by Cantor.

Also at Thursday’s town hall, after a brief statement by Treadwell in which he quoted Dr. Seuss, Hennessey fielded questions from the audience.

“Are there any plans to fund better supplies for the Art and Art History department? Film production students are still shooting on $50 video cameras. Or what about hiring more faculty? Film Studies routinely offers substitute courses because multiple core classes often go untaught for four years or more,” said one disgruntled film & media studies major in combat boots and a t-shirt that read “I’m an atheist.”

After a long pause, Hennessey replied, “The McMurtry building is really expensive and nice. Does that answer your question?”

The disgruntled film & media studies major then sighed and returned to muttering the words “ontological, phenomenological, hermeneutic and epistemological” under her breath as a relaxation technique.

Treadwell’s statue entitled “Warhol’s ‘The Shawshank Fiction’” after his favorite artist (Andy Warhol) and two favorite films (“The Shawshank Redemption” and “Pulp Fiction”) will be unveiled on May 17.

 

Contact Ben His and Hurs Sinks at skatergurl1995 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

 

Editor’s note: This article was published as part of The Daily’s April Fool’s Day edition and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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