ASSU Senate votes to divest from The Daily

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The ASSU Senate voted in a special session on Thursday to block all funding for The Stanford Daily and prevent all current senators, executives, interns and class cabinets from associating themselves in any manner with the newspaper.

This unprecedented move was ostensibly taken in response to a perceived grammatical error in the last Senate recap article, an infraction which allegedly “served as the last straw” and gave several senators palpitations.

“[Daily Writer] Fangzhou Liu committed an act that was wrong, irresponsible and, quite frankly, stupid,” said Senator Matthew Cohen ’18 as he gesticulated his arms wildly. “By failing to use an Oxford comma in the lede of Tuesday’s Senate recap, she made us look like a bunch of uncouth, uncultured hippies more suited to the pot-smoking wasteland that lies over there.”

Cohen did not elaborate what he was referring to with the phrase “pot-smoking wasteland.” Inside sources are conflicted as to whether he was talking about Synergy or Cal.

Three senators had to get up and leave the special session while debate over the resolution was taking place in an effort to “calm down, smell the flowers and remember that the world is still full of bunnies, rainbows and unicorns,” according to Molly Horwitz ‘16. While these senators were burrowing around for flowers in the Old Union courtyard, Senate Chair Sina Javidan-Nejad ’17 attempted to keep debate civil. His efforts were frustrated, however, by a cacophony of phrases like “grammar Nazi,” “goddamn techie” and “Harry Elliot’s low-achieving younger brother.”

Ultimately, Javidan-Nejad “had enough” and used his superhuman, discus-throwing abs to hurl the Senate table out the window of the Nitery, shock everyone into silence and allow the motion to be voted on. It passed with 10 votes in favor and five senators not voting.

Several Senate candidates have expressed disgust at the events that occurred at this meeting, with perennial candidate Sheev Palpatine pledging to “restore order to the Force” and “throw all the goddamn grammar-loving Wookies out of the galaxy.”

However, other students greeted the news. Ilya Mouzykantskii ’16, creator of the Fountain Hopper, stated he was happy that the ASSU Senate would no longer be supporting The Daily.

The ASSU Senate has voted to divest from The Daily after a dispute over Oxford commas (MCKENZIE LYNCH/The Stanford Daily).
The ASSU Senate has voted to divest from The Daily after a dispute over Oxford commas (MCKENZIE LYNCH/The Stanford Daily).

“I am very pleased that the ASSU is not condoning The Daily’s consistently abysmal journalistic standards,” Mouzykantskii said.

When asked to comment on the controversy, Daily Editor-In-Chief Andrew Vogeley ’17 said that the Senate could “shove it,” noting that The Daily had over 5,000 Facebook likes compared to the ASSU’s paltry 660, as well as “mouth-gasm granting pizza every day” and “a dank meme stash to rival Bernie Sanders’.”

Vogeley then returned to his weekly activity of knocking golf balls off the top of Memorial Church while smoking a cigar and drinking expensive scotch in a limited-edition salmon-pink Vineyard Vines shirt.

 

Editor’s Note: The use of a serial comma, while mandated in some style guides, is not considered an integral part of English grammar. Some style guides require it, others don’t and others simply don’t care. While the ASSU may think that the use of such a comma is integral to a satisfactory Stanford education, we at The Daily think this is stupid and that the ASSU is stupid for thinking so as well. As a result, we have prohibited the practice in all articles. If this hurts your sensibilities, we are legally obligated to direct you to the grammar-induced trauma division of Vaden Health Center, where you will experience restorative therapy pioneered by the author E.B. White in partnership with Grammar Cat.

Real Editor’s Note: This article is part of The Daily’s April Fools’ Day coverage. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of entertainment only.

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