Stanford’s idyllic Palo Alto campus has been rocked by systemic cheating scandals throughout the 2014-15 academic year, with investigations by the administration revealing more and more incidents of cheating and collaboration across groups of students.
Until now, staff in the School of the Humanities were able to sleep peacefully in the knowledge that this was a problem restricted to the School of Engineering and Department of Computer Science. These peaceful dreams were shattered after investigations revealed widespread cases of cheating in PSYC 235, popularly known as ‘Sleep and Dreams.’
Sleep and Dreams, taught at Stanford for over 40 years and one of the University’s iconic courses, is known for requiring students in the class to gain an adequate amount of sleep each night.
One of the goals of the course is to encourage healthy dreaming habits for students. Investigations by the Martin Luther King Jr. Research and Education Institute, revealed to The Daily yesterday, showed that students in the class were deliberately avoiding having dreams.
“The absence of dreams in a class called ‘Sleep and Dreams’ is worrying,” said a senior faculty member teaching the class. “I had a dream that students taking my class would have dreams, and unfortunately that is not the case.”
The investigation revealed that this reduction in dream achievement rates was due to the increased utilization of performance-enhancing drugs. These substances, including coffee and energy drinks, are part of the unregulated controlled substances market controlled by kingpins Starbucks and Coupa Café.
Notorious non-sleeper Do-Hyoung Park ‘16 explained that he had not thought of using off-the-shelf substances to enhance his performance in the class.
“I don’t understand why I need to have dreams,” lamented Park (a Daily staffer), explaining that as a Stanford student, he was entitled to a life dedicated to solving non-problems for Silicon Valley’s elite.
Despite a large number of students aligning with the non-dreaming camp, the department remains undeterred.
“We’ve decided to rely on a powerful sleep-and-dream monitoring system called Muss,” said Prof. Sigmund Freud, talking to a Daily reporter while walking through the Vienna woods. It is unclear how the ‘Muss’ system works and the basis on which it will report students for cheating. There are fears that the system will report bias against students who love their mothers and dislike their fathers.
Editor’s note: This article was published as part of The Daily’s April Fool’s Day edition and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.