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Ralph J. Castro named head of new iHUM program

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Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Dean of Freshmen, stood triumphantly at the top of the steps in White Plaza. Addressing a passive and disinterested audience on a warm afternoon, she proudly announced the end of the Thinking Matters program and the beginning of something new.

“We’ve all seen and come to the understanding that thinking no longer matters,” proclaimed Lythcott-Haims, citing widespread increases in cheating in classes such as PSYC 235: Sleep and Dreams, CLASSART 151: Ten Things: An Archaeology of Design and PE 20: Barre Fusion.

The new program will leverage Stanford’s tremendous technological resources along with the increasingly widespread interest in the humanities. Called iHUM, the new app-based program will be centered around students voting on anonymous statements posted on a student-designed app.

The app-based replacement to the Thinking Matters program is not just relying on technology alone to gain the interest of students. The School of Humanities brought in renowned youth expert Ralph J. Castro as a consultant to ensure the popularity of the program.

“Utilizing Whatsgoodly, and extending on their bold vision to ask such unaskable questions as ‘Hey, what iHUM are you in?’ or ‘Would you take a pill that got you drunk instead of drinking’, will finally make iHUM cool and hip. As we have seen with CNN’s acclaimed show Crossfire, the second iteration of a program is always better than the first,” Castro said.

Castro is best known for his experience managing the award-winning Cardinal Nights program. Like Cardinal Nights, iHUM’s goal is to bring in activities and programs that students are both interested in and enjoy.

“We’ve come to the understanding that Stanford needs to teach students useful and relevant skills, as well as show them the importance of having a good time,” he said.

To that end, the iHUM program will focus on skill-building. Partnering with the Hasso Plattner Institute of Design at Stanford, also known as the d.School, the iHUM program will focus on combining design thinking with pottery making, bear building and events without alcohol.

“We’re going to combine two of Stanford’s great resources: Post-its, and barn dances without alcohol,” exclaimed Castro excitedly, as he showcased a stuffed bear he had built at a workshop.

The return of iHUM will also offer additional social benefits, as the number of guys successfully using the pick-up line “Ayo gurl, what’s ur iHUM?” has increased dramatically. Finally, as Dean Julie acknowledged, “iHUM has historically been a valuable mechanism for each Stanford class to bond with each other over how much they hate iHUM. We feel that restoring iHUM to the pantheon of great Stanford programs will help foster the sense of community that is tantamount to our educational mission.”

At the end of her speech, Dean Julie, Ralph Castro and the Stanford Concert Network welcomed Justin Timberlake to perform his new hit song, “I’m bringing iHUM back.” When asked how SCN was able to use ASSU special fees to bring Timberlake to campus, Castro told The Daily, “you would be amazed with how much money Stanford is willing to pay when the administration is convinced that no alcohol will be involved.”

Editor’s note: This article was published as part of The Daily’s April Fool’s Day edition and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.