Being a songwriter is a tough business. The mainstream audience is surprisingly fickle, albeit not particularly discerning. Assuming you manage to navigate the pitfalls of pop songwriting and churn out something at least 60-percent original(ish), there’s still one more hurdle to clear. Your next big hit needs a big title, one that audiences can instantly identify with. As masterpieces “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred, “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias and “Hero” by Mariah Carey demonstrate, the best name is a word or phrase from the chorus around which the song revolves. It’s a simple concept, which is why it’s so amazing that these five songs screwed it up so badly.

 

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana

Fun fact: Teen Spirit is a brand of deodorant. Kurt Cobain’s friend made fun of him for smelling like it one day. In response, he named a song after it. He claimed that he was unaware of the connection and just thought it sounded badass, but he was probably just trying to be counterculture. So here we are now, entertained by this amusing anecdote, and we forget that the song has absolutely nothing to do with teen spirit, badassery or otherwise. Dropping the ball, Kurt.

 

“Absolutely” by Nine Days

This is the story of a band who became famous across the land for a song about a girl. Except, actually, the tale of the girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world was named after an unimportant adverb that modifies an equally unimportant verb. Full disclosure: the official title of the song is “Absolutely (Story of a Girl),” but that just makes it worse; why bother making the other title if you’re going to openly acknowledge that it’s dumb immediately afterward?

 

“Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” by Green Day

Another parenthesized title that prompts serious questions about the mysteries of the song-title universe, this track has the added bonus of having its “true” title be a badge of honor for people who fancy themselves cosmopolitan. “I really like that song ‘Time of Your Life’!” you might say. Your ex-friend might reply, “Oh, you mean ‘Good Riddance’?” Just like that, a fork stuck in the road, and you’ve lost yourself a friend.

 

“No Such Thing” by John Mayer

No parentheses here, but it’s still a head-scratcher. Intuitively, the title would be “The Real World.” That phrase is mentioned much more noticeably than “no such thing,” which is glossed over in favor of a more prominent phrase (“the real world,” in fact). So the good boys and girls take the so-called wrong title, Google it and find John Mayer has named it “No Such Thing.” Condescendingly.

 

“Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson

Just…I mean…why is it a letter? Letters aren’t words!