Roxy Sass isn’t just a person — she’s an institution. As such, ain’t no way she gon’ graduate and leave this place. But as spring blooms forth, why pretend like you’re not envious of (non-thesis-writing) seniors? They have that je ne sais quoi, they know all the hippest lawns upon which to lounge, they know where to buy the best weed and how to manage Wednesday karaoke nights at Rudy’s and Thursday mornings in a seminar.
And, most importantly, seniors’ time is running out. Roxy’s there with them — face it, she’s with a lot of people — and she’s here to help. Freshmen, take note. Seniors, take action. It’s Roxy Sass’ spring bucket list of things (and people) to do before leaving the Farm.
Because, yes, Stanford isn’t exactly always “Animal House,” but from a logistical standpoint, your chances will never be better: 6000 undergrads living within walking distance of your residence, all at a high level of intelligence and athleticism with pre-determined common experiences to rely on for small talk (“Oh my god, I loved my IHUM too!”). Love, my friends, is a mere bike ride away, and Roxy’s ready for one last spin.
Catch the dormmate who got away
Roxy knows the type: the former dormmate is sweet, elusive and probably wasn’t single when he/she lived down the hall from you back in Larkin. News flash: springtime is breakup time and is also therefore swoop time. Seriously, before that cutie leaves to TFA several thousand miles away — stop Facebook stalking and start weekend stalking. Roxy always says: the difference between an attentive wooer and a creep is simply whether or not the prey digs it. Try your luck or you’ll never know.
Confess your hidden love
Roxy’s personal opinion? Feelings are lame and often get in the way of a good banging. But consider one’s audience: many folk find romantic feelings the only way to a good banging, so Roxy’s willing to work with you if you’re willing to work on/in/behind her.
Wake up somewhere unknown
It’s literally the best way to get to know campus — through the absolute necessity of finding your way home in the gentle morning light. It’s how Roxy discovered exactly where on that hill Synergy is perched. Plus, the added morning adventure of piecing together your location keeps your mental agility at its peak. (No cheating and using your iPhone map.)
Sleep with someone who’ll be famous someday
It’s not that hard to find someone on campus to fit the bill. Granted, one’s future success is still pretty up in the air, but find a good enough bet for a future CEO, throw your legs up in the air and, chances are, decades from now, you’ll be able to tell your kids proudly, “[Famous person]? Yeah, I tapped that back in college.” Roxy’s already proud of you.
Have a threesome
Didn’t have a chance to study abroad in Paris? Experience the wonder of the Eiffel Tower for yourself here on your very own campus. Sacré bleu!