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This Column Is Ironic: Midterm-inally Ill? Some Prescriptions to Avoid Your Work

That time of the quarter we all dread is in full swing again: midterm season. Instead of being allowed to enjoy our privileged lives, professors are actually forcing us to do work. I don’t know about you, but I’m staring down a slew of papers and exams right now. (Can someone please tell Econ 1B that scheduling exams two weeks apart is just sadistic?) Luckily, I’m here to offer you a variety of options to help you to survive this latest round of midterms.

Procrastinate

If you’re supposed to practice what you preach, then I’m definitely coming through for you here. I really need to stop procrastinating. I’ll do that later, though. Right now, I’ll tell you how to avoid your midterms entirely. Just get yourself a Netflix account. Somehow, in the past two weeks, I’ve managed to fly through the first two seasons of “Parks and Recreation.” I’m so busy that I’m not really sure how that happened, but it did. Netflix is actually scientifically guaranteed to sap you of the will to work. Haven’t watched all six seasons of “Lost” yet? There’s no better time than right now.

To top things off, in the midst of this hellish week of midterms, one of my good friends who graduated last year decided to visit. Needless to say, a few nights this week turned into Taco Bell-catered Halo fests reaching well past 3 a.m. That’s probably not the best idea when you have a political science paper (or this column) waiting to be written, but neither is going to EBF at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday night.

Party

Speaking of EBF, you can always just rage your face off if you don’t want to work. I guarantee that you probably won’t be worrying about that paper you have due if you’re blacked out. Personally, I’m pretty glad that Kairos’ Wine and Cheese night is biweekly. If I had to contend with that this week, I’m not sure how much work I could possibly get done on Wednesday.

Seriously, if you’re that stressed about midterms, then your only option is to get to the Bromuda Triangle and let your worries flow out of you. If you go hard enough tonight, chances are that they won’t be the only thing flowing out of you by midnight.

Enjoy the sunshine

Ah, the weather! Seriously, this is why we came to Stanford in the first place. Look around and see everyone taking advantage of the beautiful California clime. Spot the bros playing hardcore games of ultimate on fields around campus. Check out the sorority girls sunning themselves on Cowell Lawn. Laugh as computer science majors frantically try to avoid the sun. This is the life. Why should midterms bring us down?

Really, you can’t ask for anything better than the weather at Stanny U right now. Where’s the winter quarter rain? How is it consistently above 60 degrees in early February? Don’t question it. Instead, alleviate your midterm blues by cranking up some killer tunes and loving the sunshine. (Protip: try “Simple Graces” by Delorean. I think it was made for this weather.) Honestly, the Ivy League can suck it. Blair Waldorf is still prancing around Columbia in her Chanel winter coat, but flip flops are already part of my everyday attire. Score one for Stanny.

Actually get your work done early

I know, I know, what a cheap way to end the column, right? I’m really trying to give you some sensible advice. I know you expect better from me. However, last week I somehow managed to finish my econ problem set (due Friday) by Wednesday evening. It was magical! I had time for things! I wasn’t rushing to do everything in a three-hour span on Thursday night.

Here’s the best part: if you manage to finish everything on time, then you can work in my three pieces of earlier advice with no qualms. By day, you could sunbathe while watching “Arrested Development” on Netflix. By night, you could engage in extreme debauchery. That’s what I call “living the dream,” Stanford.

You can always e-mail Shane at [email protected] Make sure e-mails are properly formatted: 12 pt. Times New Roman, double-spaced and proper margins. MLA citations are acceptable.

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