First point: trees fall in forests. Sometimes people hear them. Stop, for a few seconds, and imagine the sound of a tree falling in a forest…The loud cracking of branches, the cacophonous rustling of the leaves against the other plants. Some kind of “thud”. No tree just fell, but did you hear a sound in your head?

Second point: in a previous column, I encouraged people to play music at random times and in random places because it’s always pleasing to run into live music unexpectedly.

Third point: modern composition often involves strange musical instruments, and even stranger notation. Regular sheet music isn’t always necessary.

Based on these three points, I’m going to turn this column into music. Right here, right now.

Don’t worry; I’m not going to ask you to perform anything out loud. Though if you are inspired to sing a song all of a sudden, then by all means feel free. But in the same way that Beethoven heard his compositions in his head after he lost his hearing, this piece of music will take place entirely in your head.

This is how it’s going to work. A newspaper will be the imaginary instrument. It will be used to produce four distinct, imagined sounds. One is the sound of ripping the paper in half. The second is crumpling it up into a ball. The third is shaking it like a sheet, and the fourth is no sound at all – a stationary newspaper. So instead of little filled-in notes, I will write, “rip” “crumple” “shake” and “none.”

To denote time, or rhythm, I will demarcate each quarter-note beat with a period. When there are two hyphenated words before a period, they will be eighth notes, like this: “Rip-Rip.” I’ll write four beats to a line, like a regular 4/4 measure. The tempo and the dynamics (loudness), I leave up to your interpretation.

You’ll notice that when you first play through the piece, you might hear the sound of the word in addition to the sound it represents. Try to remove the sound of the word, and just hear the sound, but keep reading along with the music.

Here goes:

Rip. Rip. Rip. Rip.
Rip. Rip. Rip. Rip.
Rip. Crumple. Rip. Rip.
Rip-Rip. Crumple. Rip. Rip.

Rip. Shake. Rip-Rip. Rip.
Rip. Shake. Rip-Rip. None.
Rip. Shake. Rip-Rip. Rip.
Rip. Shake. None. Crumple.

Shake-Shake. Crumple. Rip-Rip. Rip.
Shake-Shake. Crumple. Rip-Rip. Rip.
Rip-Shake. Crumple-Rip. None. Rip-Rip.
Rip. None. None. Crumple.

(End)

It’s pretty short. Not too complicated. Clearly not something you’ll “listen to” over and over again, since it lacks the usual fun parts like melody and harmony.

But how did it go? Did you find yourself miming along with the verbs? Was it difficult to “hear”? Try accenting some beats, or see what it’s like to increase the volume in your own head. You could also perform it in real life with a couple people and some newspaper to see what it “really sounds like,” but I think that’s against the spirit of the piece.

Because even though it’s all in your head, that doesn’t mean it’s not real.

Or tell Lucas he’s a crackpot at [email protected].