Continued: This Is Why I’m Single

Opinion by Jade Wang
Jan. 18, 2011, 12:22 a.m.

Continued: This Is Why I’m SingleI focus significant energy on asserting my status as an independent woman and living my life in accordance to a Destiny’s Child song. But, every now and then, conversations with a lady friend devolve into my complaints about what is becoming my perpetual state of single lady. I would consider myself relatively happy, but maybe I am living my life in blissful ignorance, and my single status means that my life is incomplete, and any happiness I might have attained at this point will pale in comparison to finding my one true love. Well, I’ve never liked waiting, so is there anything I can do to expedite this process? Am I somehow sabotaging myself?

I went through a day to gather evidence of this possible sabotage.

I wake up fairly inoffensively. Sure, my pajamas could be cuter than men’s sweatpants, and my room could be neater, but I’ll give those a passing grade. My personal hygiene routine is standard, and as I brush my teeth, I mess with my hair, which I attempted to cut myself to save $50. This, I decide, is the first offense. While I did passably in kindergarten cutting and pasting, my hair-cutting skills unfortunately leave something to be desired. Still, though, I would hope that the Stanford man could look behind some slightly jagged bangs.

My breakfast choice of cereal and not enough milk leave something to be desired, but I was in a rush, so I’ll excuse it. I adorn myself with four or more knit items, all in different patterns, to prepare for my bike ride, which, upon further inspection in the mirror, is my second offense. Shabby striped mittens, a stained scarf and a hat with a pom-pom on top, as it turns out, are not particularly becoming.

My morning passes in a haze of Gchat and clutching my coffee mug. It’s not ideal, but I’ll assume my dual addiction to chatting and caffeine is fairly average. Noon rolls around, and inspection of my wallet reveals that a purchased lunch is out of my grasp. Luckily, the odds are in my favor, and the Earth Systems office offers a buffet of chips. After sampling all the flavors of Doritos, I realize this is my third offense. I shamefully wash the chip residue off my hands.

I think I manage not to do anything horribly unbecoming during afternoon class. Running into a friend on my way back, though, I start shrieking about how excited I am for Hackathon, primarily, wearing the same pair of sweatpants for 24 hours. Oops—in fact, not cute. This is why I’m single.

I go home. Slightly weak with hunger, I take stock of my refrigerator, wishing for the infinite time and infinite ingredients of winter break and my parents’ house. I improvise some soup with the myriad of root vegetables that remain. It’s not very good. I swirl in half a stick of butter. Better, but also, fifth offense.

Before I manage to get any work done, I read through possibly dozens of food blogs, my daily routine. I casually scroll through numerous photos of broiled cheese, chuckling to myself, and I’ve powered through my sixth offense. The rest of my evening passes relatively uneventfully. I make a token effort at doing my reading. I get distracted with a truly inspiring frequency. I decide to go to sleep (alone).

Let’s make the admittedly shaky assumption that my speculation on the male psyche is accurate. I’m, upon reflection, not convinced that I’m ready to give up my sweatpants-wearing days of eating foods that are only marginally socially acceptable. If I revise the offensive parts of my day to be man-friendly, I worry that I’ll turn into a boring shadow of myself. Some girls are interesting because they have lovely talents or are witty, but alas, my personality may lie mostly in my penchant for cheese on carbohydrates and Gchat. Oh well. I guess I’d rather be myself than be wed.

Know the “Single Ladies” dance? Jade would love to try and learn. E-mail her at [email protected].

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