Widgets Magazine

OPINIONS

The Transitive Property: The Most Obnoxious Personals Ad Ever

I’ll admit that most of my past columns consisted of depressing topics. I went through some really rough times last quarter, so I apologize if I sounded a bit whiny. (To the trans folks reading this, please remember, don’t take a full course load the quarter you start hormones! It’s bad news.) But this quarter — this is a new quarter, one where I’m gonna start over and I’m gonna be happy. I’ve got the hard stuff over with already. I legally changed my name. I started testosterone. I went through the hormone-induced episodes of teen angst. My throat is perpetually sore, a sign that my sexy man voice is finally kicking in. I think I deserve to have some fun now. So what’s next in the saga of Cristopher Bautista’s life?

Well, I’ve never dated. I know I’ve written about relationships before, but in rereading it, there was this underlying pessimism, this impression that I would never be able to find anyone. And to a degree, I still feel that way. But one of my goals this year is to push myself to do things I would never do otherwise. Now that I’m not freaking out every minute of every day, wondering if I pass as a guy or not, I feel I can actually try branching out.

So this is it. Cristopher is looking for a nice girl who’s willing to put up with him. And he’s exploiting his position as a columnist to do just that. Get ready for perhaps the most obnoxious personals ad ever. Here goes:

Dear women of Stanford,

So dating a transguy is different from dating a regular guy. For one thing, I’m mature for my age. That’s what happens when you’re forced to question the very core of your identity — you end up growing up pretty fast. I haven’t lived as male for as long as other guys — while most have lived as male for all of their lives, I’ve only lived as male for about two years. As a result of being a bit behind on the masculinity curve, I might act a bit differently than some other guys you’ve dated. So if you flirt with me and I don’t get the picture, it’s not because I don’t like you or I’m ignoring you — it’s because it’s something I never learned, and I’m still getting the hang of things. But despite awkwardness when it comes to flirting, I promise I’ll be able to understand you a lot better than other guys you’ve dated (I did live as a girl for a while, if you didn’t know that already).

I have a testosterone deficiency (due to the whole estrogen and female body thing), and I’ve just started hormone replacement therapy, so I’m in a state when I am hungry and awkwardly horny all the time (testosterone sharply increases both your metabolism and your libido), not to mention my voice is at a weird in-between raspy cracked stage. You’ll have a boyfriend who (at least at the moment) looks and sounds like he’s 15 and when we’re hanging out together you’ll probably get some snarky comment about you dating some kid from high school. (Be sure you’re prepared to shoot back a clever remark.) But once we have sex — and we’ll only do it when you’re comfortable and I get your consent — we will have a very lively, happy sex life. The testosterone will make sure of it. Believe me, you’ll have something to brag about when you meet up with your friends.

I’m also shorter than most men. I’m five-foot-two — but I don’t consider myself short. Rather, I am fun-sized. If you like fun-sized candies, then you will like fun-sized men. I’m not one of those guys who get all insecure about their heights and don’t let their girlfriends wear heels. Hell, if you want to wear heels, you wear those heels. They look hotter on you anyway.

I promise I’ll be good to you. I’m someone who’ll treat you well, who will respect you, who will never try anything physical with you unless I get your consent. What matters the most to me is that you’re comfortable and that we go at the pace that works for you. We’ll go ahead when you’re ready. And I know it’s only two short quarters away from graduation — but hey, having a little bit of something that’s good with an expiration date is a lot better than having nothing at all. It’ll be worth it. I’ll make sure it’s worth it.

I’m a different flavor of man — different, yes, but worth a try. Just think about it — you get someone with boyishly good looks who’s small enough to fit into your pocket. Now who wouldn’t want that?

Sincerely,

Cristopher Marc Soriano Bautista

If you’re interested in dating Cristopher, shoot him an e-mail at cmsb@stanford.edu. He’s waiting anxiously by his computer, so act now!