Widgets Magazine

OPINIONS

Girl You Know It’s True: Eight Celebrities More Interesting than George Clooney

There is nothing that gets Stanford students more excited than Darfur. I mean really, how else to explain the overwhelming interest in yesterday’s event on the topic. Sure, professional handsome-man George Clooney is speaking, but there’s no way Stanford students were lined up around the block just to see the guy from “Leatherheads.”

But just in case we actually do care about celebrities (and not boring, unsexy African genocides), here are a few more big names and the righteous causes they could drone on and on about in exchange for allowing us to soak up their magic fame-glow.

Kevin Bacon, Gates Foundation

We’ve all played six degrees of Kevin Bacon so surely he could come here and talk about the Gates Foundation’s new pilot program Six Degrees from Kevin Bacon for selected high-achieving students. Participants are given full scholarships on the condition that they enroll in an innovative M.A./D.D.S./M.B.A./J.D./Ph.D./G.E.D. program. The program is hard work, but it’s still more fun than trying to remember who his co-stars in “The Woodsman” and “Hollow Man” were.

The Three Non-Bono Guys from U2, Potato Famines

Tired of hearing that attention hog Bono always talking about how much he’s doing to make things better in Africa? So are the other three guys from U2 (for what it’s worth, they are: Larry Mullen, Jr., Adam Clayton and of course, The Edge), which is why they have been inspi(red) to stay home and solve the very real problem facing their native land of Ireland: that their entire national existence is still dependent on potato farming.

Natalie Portman, Fighting Poverty Through Microfinance

Oh wait, this one actually happened three years ago. Still, it’s better than the time Flavor Flav lectured on fighting tardiness through macro-clocks.

Lil Wayne, Presidential History

Listen, in prison, there are two choices: convert to Islam or hide in the library and read a ton of presidential biographies. Nobody knows why that is, but prison is a frightening and mysterious place. In any event, the upshot is that Lil Wayne is now a certified expert on Tha (Jimmy) Carter Administration. Now that Wayne is a free man, he would surely be willing to give a lecture comparing the Iran hostage crisis to the time he realized he could write a song about blowjobs and nobody would know the difference if they thought he was talking about lollipops.

Lady Gaga, Heart Disease

Heart disease is the leading killer in the United States, and yet it doesn’t get nearly the publicity that it deserves. And if there’s one thing Lady Gaga can do, it’s create a spectacle. Maybe we’d all pay more attention to heart disease if its spokeswoman was riding a giant mechanical flamingo that breathes fire or whatever it is she does at her shows.

John Boehner, Skin Cancer Awareness

A trip out here would give the new Speaker of the House the opportunity to taunt the vanquished Nancy Pelosi in her own backyard as well as visit El Camino’s “A Tan for All Seasons” for a photo op. He’s very tan, you see.

Keith Richards, Drug Awareness

For all the talk of the Rolling Stones guitarist’s drug abuse over the years (after spending a decade on the Most Likely to Die list, Richards’ immortality was eventually ceded), he has made it into his mid-60s and shows no sign of slowing, except for that he looks 15 years older than his age and was spurred to quit cocaine four years ago after falling out of a tree in Fiji, but not before he snorted his dad’s ashes.

His recent memoir “Life” is a bestseller that has gotten a lot of attention for its references to Mick Jagger’s “tiny todger,” and other potshots at superstars—Elton John? “An old bitch.” John Lennon? “A silly sod.” Prince? “An overrated midget.” Let’s have him lecture us on the secret to his longevity, as revealed in his book: using only the “finest, finest cocaine and the purest, purest heroin.” So, um, kids, don’t do drugs. But if you do, get the good stuff.

Ke$ha, Mental Health Awareness

Are you a blonde, white girl who wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy? There’s a chance you may have dissociative identity disorder. Get that checked out. TiK ToK, you’re on the clock.

Know any other celebrities more important than charitable causes? E-mail Jordan at jcarr1@stanford.edu.