I have written a bit of slightly hokey poetry once per quarter and thought it fitting that I maintain the tradition for my final piece. To fans and foes alike: thank you for reading, and I’m glad I made an impression.

Ode to Conservative Conjectures
Alas: the final column now for this year’s episode,
The last of redneck wisdom, which upon you I’ve bestowed.
How bittersweet this moment as I earnestly compose
A farewell piece of poetry, transcending standard prose.

I’d like to use the space allowed to pause and to review
The scrutiny, antipathy, which right-wingers accrue.
Follow for a few more lines; I hope that you’ll agree,
I don’t elicit pity but decry hypocrisy.

Diversity—the rally shout of any Stanford fan!
With winsome words we woo the world and welcome all we can.
The liberal arts promote a sage acceptance of all kinds,
To foster academia and openness of minds.

Such irony, I must admit, for I don’t think I’ve seen
A group of people more inclined to judge, degrade, demean.
For two years I demurred and thus deferred to liberal verve,
Until my choice to give a voice to viewpoints underserved.

Conservatives I thank you, for your praise and for support.
You read, you reinforce, you recommend and you exhort.
Your criticisms help me hone and frame my arguments.
Your feedback helps to balance out the unkind malcontents.

Liberals I thank you as well, for all your varied views.
Some give cause for me to pause and change my attitude.
Others bait and denigrate with foully flapping jaws,
And what you do is vindicate the value of my cause.

I am in no way bitter, nor the least bit bellicose,
I love to bandy banter, and love politics the most.
So thanks again for reading, and if ever you’re inclined,
I’ll be nearby to quick supply a right-wing frame of mind.

Love, Erica

P.S.
As we embark on finals I’ve a scheme to recommend.
This one will be popular for every liberal friend.
It’s generous and giving, and it fits progressive mold,
In fact, if you reject it, you are heartless and you’re cold.

The idea here is simple, we’ll create a public pool
Of grade points that surpass the grade point limit set by rule.
This fund of “unfair earnings” we’ll distribute with good will
To low performing students and thus grade point void we’ll fill.

So welcome to the real world, if the liberals have their way
The harder that you work my friends, the more you’ll have to pay.

Erica has enjoyed herself immensely in the conservative columnist capacity. Thanks for reading. Final thoughts? [email protected].