Feeling that we are not understood is a particularly common characteristic of youth and an experience many of us can relate to. Older generations tend to write off this aspect of young life as angst and rebellion. One of the least flattering versions of young people was captured in Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “Youth to itself rebels though none else near.” This is the older generation’s version of teenage despondency: young people rebellious and hormonal without reason. J.D. Salinger offered a more sympathetic depiction in his Catcher in the Rye character, Holden Caulfield, who exhibits a feeling of isolation from the world, especially in his interaction with his parents and those who resemble the status quo. When Salinger died in January, my Facebook newsfeed filled with friends’ statuses lamenting his death. One friend, a creative writing major, wrote that Salinger first inspired him to write.

 

Salinger created a character that young people could relate to – Holden’s followers have all, at some point, shared in feelings of isolation. This common experience is not about lacking friends or loved ones in our lives, but about not feeling like we can be fully understood by them, about lacking people who are both sympathetic and speak the same language. The phenomenon may largely be a product of growing older, of coming into ourselves and leaving our old worlds behind in the process. In this sense, feeling alone is sometimes the sign of growth. But we grow further still when our new selves find kindred spirits, the people who understand and challenge us.

 

Books and movies can play an important role as avenues through which we relate to others, as means of universalizing parts of our lives. We see in a character a little snippet of ourselves, in a story an experience we know. And this relation between ourselves and a fictional world can be tremendously comforting! Characters provide constant companions, ones who never leave us. What is more, they are created by a human being – an actual person who captured our thoughts in a story – and so they give us a sense of interaction with the emotional compatriot who wrote them into existence. If people complained about J.D. Salinger’s hermetic way of life, one reason is that they desired to know him better as a person because he seemed to understand them so well. Fiction creates a window into the mind of its creator, a connection that spans space and time.

 

Books and movies can achieve remarkable things in our lives. But it is infinitely more exciting when we encounter a person in whom we see ourselves. Nothing can replace real relationships with two-way communication, and we should never forget the value of these relationships. Especially in the week after Parents Weekend, when 3,000 parents descended upon the Farm to enjoy a few days in their child’s world, thoughts of who we are in relation to who we once were and where we came from may be especially on students’ minds. A visit from home can take us back to a world that seems old, to people who don’t understand us as they used to and who are not growing and changing at the same pace. Maintaining connections with parents and old friends is important, but reaching out to new people is also crucial as we get older and understand ourselves in different ways. College is the time to do this, to seek out others who breathe oxygen into our lives. Our friendships should provide structural support, and they can only do this when they are in part based on a genuine human connection.

 

A very wise friend recently impressed upon me the importance of cultivating these friendships, of seeking out others in whom I see echoes of myself. I can think of little advice that could ring more true! We should all seek out others whom we relate to and invest in these relationships when we find them. Trying to understand ourselves without connecting to others is isolating, and it is an illusion to think such a life will ever completely satisfy. We are social creatures; meaning in life has everything to do with human connection. It seems strange to think this may require a conscious and concerted effort, but it often does. Forging human relationships sometimes begs for proactive behavior – and sustaining them can require deliberate attention. We should devote a little effort to this, especially to inviting new people into our lives; there is little that brings more joy or self-understanding.

 

Aysha thinks it’s good to be understood! Send her your comments at [email protected]