I have nothing to write about this week because nothing has interested me in the sports world outside of Stanford lately. My colleagues cover enough over the week, leaving me the tough job of originality. Well, most Stanford winter sports are just gearing up. Lane Kiffin sucks and will probably bring more violations to USC. Pete Carroll isn’t worth writing about. The NBA is boring. There haven’t been enough upsets in college basketball yet. The NFL is reasonably exciting, but let’s come back next week when the Super Bowl spots are on the line. Mark McGwire cheated, but like we were really surprised when we heard that.
Thus, this column is about nothing. It is about the boring, banal, whatever and who cares of sports. It is the things you wish you didn’t know about, the things you don’t understand why you know so much about, or the things you wish just didn’t exist. It is Brett Favre, Olympic race-walking and fishing. It’s golf without Tiger Woods, the NBA regular season and the Pro Bowl. It’s the things that have you going “why?” or “huh?” or screaming an obscenity at the television.
This column is the things about sports that make me want to turn off the TV or put down the newspaper. The things that are surely a hit with somebody around the world, but in my mind are better reserved for the 3 a.m. TV slot. The things that don’t get me excited or make me glad to be a sports fan. The things that make me just want to go “Really?” or “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
It’s a 2-7 poker hand and a 37-0 rout in football at halftime. It’s Roger Federer’s demeanor on the court, the 10th NFL highlight in a row on Sunday, Tony Dungy’s analysis and Pam Ward (YouTube her).
I can tell you some things that this column is not. It’s not Chad Ochocinco (or whatever his last name is) — it’s not NHL playoffs, Chris Johnson, Venus and Serena Williams, the NBA Dunk Contest, a shootout in soccer or Shaquille O’Neal.
This column is the Super Bowl halftime show post-Janet Jackson, Bill Belichick interviews, a JaMarcus Russell-led offense, Walt Harris’s Stanford play calling, terrible sports movies, the World’s Best Dog competition and David Beckham.
It’s not the World Cup, college football overtime, a play that features a triple option, March Madness, the 100-meter dash, the “C’mon Man” segment of Monday Night Countdown, Gus Johnson (YouTube him) or when Ed Reed intercepts a pass.
It is the Favre-Childress saga, the discussion of why the Colts decided to rest their starters, ESPN’s Mike & Mike (especially Greenberg), archery, arena football and the XFL, and billiards on TV.
It’s not Kobe Bryant at the buzzer, SportsCenter commercials, Jimmie Johnson, Sunday at the Masters, the night session at the U.S. Open or Nick Robinson at the Stanford-Arizona basketball game in 2004.
It is minor league baseball, the WWF and UFC, Lil Wayne’s columns on espn.com, Tim Tebow’s 50th inspirational video segment, golfers from South Africa and athletes taking Twitter too far.
It’s not Darrelle Revis, Derek Jeter, the challenge rule in the NFL, New Year’s Day bowl games, a good version of the national anthem before a big game, beach volleyball, the Arthur Ashe ESPY award for courage, Peyton Manning’s commercials or sports montages.
It is the Papajohns.com and Little Caesar’s Pizza bowls, the opening coin toss, an intentional walk, Bible verses written on fake eye black, seemingly endless timeouts at the end of a basketball game, player holdouts for bigger contracts, badminton and the “Kiss Cam”.
It’s not the Kentucky Derby, Mariano Rivera, a triple, icing the kicker, the Little League World Series, a perfect game, Toby Gerhart, Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest and Boise State’s trick plays.
Next week I’ll have something more exciting. Come on, men’s basketball.
Danny Belch clearly did not realize that the MLS Draft took place yesterday. Contact him at dbelch1 “at” stanford.edu.