Another quarter down and another break is nearly upon us. During these breaks, I always set my sights upon the same goal and I must admit, I’ve never quite achieved it. Maybe some people catch up on sleep or read for pleasure, but I find neither of these diversions particularly alluring. Instead, I try to watch enough television to catch my yearly average up with the average American. I don’t do this for the honor or the money, but simply for that indescribable elation I feel for fitting in with my kin, even in this small way. But this is not an easy goal, since I’m usually behind by break and this year in particular has snuck up on me. In order to make my yearly tally, I’ll have to watch about 78 hours of television each day and, frankly, after factoring in the time it takes me to amble from my bedroom and open the kitchen cabinet on six separate occasions only to be disappointed, I’m going to be pretty busy.
Even though I don’t watch that much at school, TV does satisfy me, in its way. The Food Network tells me what to eat, TLC tells me how to dress and the History Channel teaches me about UFO cults and feral children. This season, though, I won’t be watching nearly as many Gilmore Girls reruns because some especially promising political issues are on tap for nuanced debate over the next few weeks on FOX and MSNBC. I’ll be tuning into the following, in hopes that someone wins, someone loses and someone goes home crying to their mom when Nancy Pelosi shoots them “the look”:
Health care: After six months of watching this slow-motion car crash, will the President finally get the Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus gift under the metaphorical tree, or will the Blue Dog scrooges deny him reform in a direct affront both to Democratic leadership and the spirit of the season? Will the public option be in the stocking? And will it be the robust Godiva option, or the crappy Russel Stover version that gets thrown away as useless on the 26th?
Afghanistan: The commander-in-chief (also known as ditherer-in-chief in Cheney parlance) made an announcement this Tuesday, but we still have all of December to hand wring over Europe’s commitment to the war before the international conference in London. Since there are approximately zero “good” options and a lot of “sort of OK” ones, perhaps the only guarantee is that rhetoricians will have a heyday. Predicted frequently used terms: “throwing our allies under the bus,” “dither” (seriously, you could play a drinking game<\p>–<\p>take a shot for every op-ed you read on Afghanistan with this word in it), “back his oratory with a stick,” “a million dollars per troop per year,” and “what would Sarah Palin do? Gosh darn that she’s not in office.” OK, maybe not that last one.
Marijuana: Attorney General Eric Holder, relieving the anxieties of those who smoke pot to relieve their anxieties (and sundry other ailments), has declared an armistice, if you will, in the “War on Drugs,” insofar as the feds will no longer use random and irrational terror as a method of controlling marijuana distribution. While you might suspect the raids became prohibitively expensive after Southwest jacked up their Fun Fares from D.C. to California, it’s most likely because Miss New Jersey “outed herself as a stealth marijuana user to treat her asthma.” Activists, reasonably, are interpreting this as a call to fight for full legalization so we can tax it and, in turn, have enough money for our school systems to start teaching students about the respiratory system again.
Gitmo: Looks like Obama reduced, recycled and reused his 2009 New Year’s Resolution into being his 2010 Resolution. How fun!
Global Warming: Speaking of recycling, just when it seemed like things would go swimmingly with Mr. Obama traveling to Copenhagen on a mission to save the world from carbon emissions, some hackers fished up thousands of e-mails and documents from a environmental research center purportedly filled with titillating stories of lies, damn lies and statistics engineered by scientists to make warming seem more urgent. Putting aside what seems to be the Republican Party’s new penchant for information acquired through morally questionable schemes, on-the-fence Democrats can’t be too enthused about supporting still stagnant legislation designed to cut domestic emissions. It might just take divine intervention to snatch this bill from the jaws of death, but, in a pinch, maybe Al Gore will do.
A packed schedule to be sure and I hope you’ll join me in watching other people procrastinate. It’s one of the few times I don’t feel guilty about procrastinating myself.