Fresh(wo)men, welcome to the Farm! At Stanford, you’ll learn to deal with a myriad of health crises ranging from bicycle accidents to food poisoning during finals to breakup woes. Below you will find a list of useful campus health resources to help you cope and stay healthy:

Vaden: The official student health center offers a plethora of health resources — everything from immunizations to primary care check-ups to confidential HIV testing. Vaden is also your one-stop shop for birth control, emergency contraception, STD diagnosis and pregnancy testing. Sexual health services are frequently available same-day. More details concerning individual services can be found online at http://vaden.stanford.edu.

Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS): Located within Vaden, CAPS offers free counseling services to all registered Stanford students. CAPS counselors can assess your psychological needs and recommend therapy accordingly. Services are not typically available same-day, so try to plan your panic attack or breakup at least a few days (or weeks) in advance.

Sexual Health Peer Resource Center (SHPRC): That Stanford ID card of yours is good for a whopping 12 free condoms each quarter at the SHPRC. The math gets a little tricky, but you can also substitute three condoms for one lube tube, female condom or dental dam. Visit the SHPRC on the second floor of Vaden without an appointment or call 723-3730 (which spells SAFE-SEX — so very clever). The SHPRC is also a frequent destination for freshman dorm fieldtrips and makes for a great first date. And if you’re ever feeling itchy down there, you can check out the famous online STD diagnosis at http://shprc.stanford.edu.

5-SURE: So you’re drunk at Mirrielees at 2 a.m. and you live in FroSoCo. Don’t be an ass and try to drive or bike home — yes, we have BUIs here and they’re taken seriously by both the police and the University. Instead, call 5-SURE from any campus phone or 650-725-SURE from a cell phone. Riding on a 5-SURE golf cart is really fun when you’re plastered, but you do not have to be drunk to ride with 5-SURE. You can use 5-SURE, for instance, if you don’t feel comfortable walking somewhere alone in the middle of the night or if you’re really lazy — but they’ll probably remember you if you do it twice.

The Bridge: Feeling down and out? Dial 723-3392 (3-3392 on campus) to reach The Bridge, Stanford’s Peer Counseling Center, where free counseling is provided 24 hours a day. You can also visit the Rogers House (by the Bike Shop) on Salvatierra Walk to be counseled in-person. Chances are the counselor is more depressed than you are, so you may actually leave feeling better about yourself.

RAs & PHEs: Granted, some RAs have deep-rooted personal issues that led them to be a role model for a huge group of freshmen (I was never an RA, by the way). Still, they can offer a warm hug and a cute smile when you are feeling blue, or a bottle of water when you’re sloshed. And they have promised the University that they won’t sleep with you, so it’s fairly safe to go to your RA in a moment of crisis or vulnerability. PHEs are similar to RAs but are generally less creepy and loaded with fancy health supplies like aspirin and condoms.

Natalie is a senior majoring in Spanish and leaving the Farm for greener med school pastures next year. Or she may move to Los Angeles to become a rock-star/waitress. To tell her what a horrible physician she’ll make or to seek her unprofessional opinion, e-mail her at nramos@stanford.edu.