Widgets Magazine

Rosen retains Senate seat, restores balance to the Force

Last Thursday evening, Senator Gabe Rosen ’19 and Emperor Palpatine met under the shadow of Memorial Church to settle their argument over the final ASSU Undergraduate Senate seat once and for all. In front of the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band and a crowd of roughly 100 onlookers, the two engaged in a fierce lightsaber duel over Rosen’s seat on the ASSU Undergraduate Senate.

Shortly after 6 p.m., the Band marched into the Main Quad playing “The Imperial March.” The Emperor himself then appeared, rolling in on a pair of Heelys, and demanded that Rosen resign from the Senate. When Rosen suggested negotiating with the Dark Lord of the Sith, Palpatine drew his lightsaber and charged at Rosen.

The duel was a long and furious one. Palpatine’s offensive was strong enough to break one of Rosen’s lightsabers; however, Rosen’s lightsaber training paid off, as he moved around the battlefield with such speed that his sunglasses fell off his head. Partway through the duel, Palpatine’s veil fell away, revealing the Sith Lord to be none other than Sam Weyen ’18, the recently crowned Stanford Tree.

In the end, Rosen emerged victorious, defending his position and restoring balance to the Force. Even in defeat, Weyen was indignant, demanding that Rosen read his Order 66 to the Senate for consideration. Among others, the bill calls for ASSU change its name to “Student Council,” for fedoras to be banned from campus and for all Senate bills to be written in Comic Sans.

“It was great to see so many people turn out to watch me defeat Palpatine — now they should know that the Senate’s in good hands,” Rosen said. “I know it’s only a matter of time before another challenger rises up, because I spared the Emperor in the end, but I’m ready for anything at this point. Bring it on!”

The spectacle drew a glowingly positive response from the students who came out to see it.

I really hope it is the beginning of a new Stanford tradition,” Shannon Daniels ’18 said. “Who knows? Next year, the Empire might strike back.”

The duel was perhaps the most Stanford event I’ve ever seen,” Triple Oswald ’17 said. “We need more fun, quirky, random events like that on our campus.”

“The duel was a reminder of just how fun and zanily irreverent Stanford can be,” Josh De Leon ’17 said.

Responding to The Daily’s request for comment, the student formerly known as Emperor Palpatine vowed that Stanford had not seen the last of him and took issue with The Daily asking for his final words.

“Final words? This is not final. I am not finished,” Weyen said via holocommunicator. “I am like the Vaden Health Center — unwilling to accept my own incompetence.”

“I will return next year,” Weyen added. “And if the Senate refuses to give me a seat, I will host another duel. And I will not fail.”

His image disappeared into static, but not before one final assurance: “I will hold unlimited power!”

 

Contact Jacob Nierenberg at jhn2017 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

About Jacob Nierenberg

Jacob Nierenberg ’17 is a senior pursuing a major in American Studies and a minor in Comparative Studies in Race & Ethnicity. Though he is a staff writer for the Student Groups beat, he enjoys contributing album reviews and music features to the Arts & Life beat. He hails from Vancouver, WA, and intends to return to the Pacific Northwest someday. His hobbies include pretending to do work, going out walking late at night (usually as an escort for 5-SURE on Foot), and talking about music with his roommate—Tyler Dunston ’18, desk editor on the Arts & Life beat.