Stanford Athletics announced Tuesday that it will replace football with FIFA as a varsity sport, effective the 2015-16 season.

“We felt that our football program’s underachievement in 2014 was absolutely unacceptable,” said Athletic Director Bernard Muir. “Stanford Athletics is a proud program that has won 20 consecutive Directors’ Cups. A 7-5 season is simply embarrassing and something that this department won’t stand for.”

“We wanted to give our football players an outlet to uphold Stanford’s historic success in a sport that they’re actually good at,” said the press release.

Stanford enters uncharted territory with this move, as it will become the first Division I program in the country to field a FIFA team. This was not a concern for the NCAA, however, as its executives simply shrugged and continued to wallpaper their bedrooms with $100 bills when told about the move.

“Since we’re going to be the only team competing in this sport, it doesn’t jeopardize our Directors’ Cup standing, which is a huge advantage,” Muir said. “We’re guaranteed a first-place finish every year, and it will serve as a huge boost to our continued athletic excellence.”

Home games will tentatively be held in Mirrielees 565, where team captains Andrus Peat and Aziz Shittu are currently renovating their room to add fan seating and, tentatively, a concession stand. A planned expansion in 2019 will add locker rooms and a clubhouse.

Editor’s note: This article was published as part of The Daily’s April Fool’s Day edition and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

 

Contact Azia Kim at poser ‘at’ stanford.edu.